RIP: The Golden Age of Television (1946-1992)

Andy Warhol once famously said, “In the future, everyone will be on TV for fifteen minutes.” Nowadays, of course, with the internet, that is finally possible. But back in the Golden Age of Television (1948-1992) we depended on the networks to keep us entertained—whether it was Milton Berle’s bold subversion of traditional sexual roles in society, Fonzie’s bathroom humor, or Bill Cosby’s non-threatening black family. See how many of these Very Little Known Facts about the old Boob Tube you knew!

• Televisions in the United States do not have channel 1. Neither do FM radios.

• JUMP ON THE BANDWAGON: American Bandwagon, which originally featured co-hosts Dick Clark and his wife Pet Clark, is the only television show from the 1950’s that is still being produced today.

• The Anthropology department at Harvard recently released the results of a two-year study that attempted to answer the eponymous question Who’s the Boss? Comparing the relative leadership roles of Tony Micelli, Angela Bower and Mona Robinson with their counterparts in archetypal societies, the study definitively concluded that Mona was the boss due to the fact that she was the elder.

• MASTER OF HIS DOMAIN: Every episode of Seinfeld contains at least one joke about Superman. This is a reference to the real-life Jerry Seinfeld, one of the show’s co-creators.

• The nickname “Idiot Box” was given to TV by none other than President Richard S. Nixon. The idiot in question? Walter Cronkite.

• THAT’S WHY THEY CALL IT THE CATHODE RAY TUBE: Watching an hour of television subjects your eyes to more radiation than sticking your head in a microwave oven for an hour. Of course, this is only true because you can’t close the microwave door with your head in there, and microwaves don’t run when the door is open! But seriously, folks, use safety and common sense when operating any household appliance.

• Smoking used to be common on television. Everybody remembers the episode of Leave It to Beaver where Ward Cleaver catches the Beave sneaking one of June’s Virginia Slims and memorably makes him eat the entire pack. Nowadays smoking is banned on TV except for in documentaries about mental institutions and France.

• LITTLE BUDDY WASN’T SO LITTLE: Bob Denver, the first actor to play Gilligan on Gilligan’s Island, was 62 when the last episode was filmed on location in 1970.

Health Info on the Internet: Lethal?

The results are in, and they are conclusive. We here at Very Little Known Facts are quite aware that the massive amount of health information available on the internet can be confusing and overwhelming. Often alarming headlines are used to rope in traffic, and just as often passive voice is used because of the positive effect on readership numbers that has been shown to have been created by this use.

As part of our ongoing commitment to commit to the well-being of our readers’ collective and individual being—a series we like to call Towards a Better Wellness for Tomorrow—we have compiled a digest of links to articles that present a definitive picture of what you should do (and what you should not do) to live a full, healthful, virtually endless life. Enjoy!


Drinking coffee is good for you and good for your health.

Drinking coffee will kill you within an hour, possibly.

Wine prevents cavities.

Wine gives you breast cancer.

Wine can make you live forever even if you are morbidly obese.

Wine will kill you.

Wine is good for your heart. (But not really.)

Exercise is good for you.

Exercise is bad for you.

Antidepressants increase the risk of suicide in teenagers.

No they don’t.

Eat more fish, it is good for you.

Eating fish will poison you with mercury and kill you.

Depression makes you feel bad.

Lack of sleep weakens your immune system and gives you cancer and diabetes.

But whatever you do, don’t get too much sleep.

You might very well have AIDS right now and not even know it.

Don't stress about this because stress leads to backaches, cancer, and irritable bowel syndrome.

The good news is that stress is good for you.

If you think you may be schizophrenic, you probably are.

If you are worried about losing control due to mental illness, you are probably not mentally ill.


Conclusion

In conclusion, the internet is a new and powerful tool in our lives. Since studies have shown that googling your symptoms produces the correct diagnosis, be sure to look up medical information on the internet at the first sign of illness. Unless you are a hypochondriac. But what if you just think you are a hypochondriac? You might not be a hypochondiac at all—you might just be psychic.

Either way, we support you.

Non-Dairy Creamer: How Do They Do It?

This week in our continuing investigative journalistic series How Do They Do It, we delve into the dark, hidden realms of the edible.

The culinary world is full of mysteries. How many times have you pondered such imponderables as:

• Just what exactly are the fifty-seven secret herbs and spices in Kentucky Fried Chicken?
• What makes the special sauce of a Big Mac so special?
• Why is there no squid in Squid Brand(tm) fish sauce?

We here at Very Little Known Facts have burrowed deep into the underbelly of the food we eat every day. Indeed, our sources have given us unprecedented access to the world of chemical flavoring and artificial ingredients, and today we share with you one of the never-before-disclosed secrets of the Non-Dairy Industry.


How Powdered Non-Dairy Creamer Is Made

The very name seems to be straight out of Jumbo Shrimp and Other Oxymorons by Jon Agee, available on Amazon.com.

How can cream be non-dairy, you might very well ask? And what exactly is creamer? Does that imply that cream is a verb? (Actually, cream is a verb, and one of the definitions does refer to adding cream to coffee, but it’s like the fifth one down in the list.)

But we digress. Why is non-dairy creamer also called whitener? Sure, the powder itself is white, but it doesn’t actually turn your coffee, tea, or soda white. Why would anyone want to call a food-related powder whitener as if it’s some kind of laundry product? For that matter, how can one refer to something as a cream and a powder simultaneously?

Above all, where does non-dairy creamer come from?


Where Non-Dairy Creamer Comes From

It starts with a cow, of course. Ironic? Indeed—one might say that the irony was delicious. In an industrial factory, cow’s milk is dehydrated through the standard process. The resulting mass is chemically rendered with potassium benzoate (a benzene derivative) to yield casein, a protein. Next this protein is mixed with sodium hydroxide (common table salt) and blasted with ionic radiation until it reacts, forming sodium caseinate—the only milk derivative that is non-dairy and therefore kosher.

WARNING: Since casein is technically milk protein, it is NOT safe for people with allergies to dairy products. Non-dairy creamer should never be given to infants or young children. Lactating or breast-feeding mothers should consult a doctor before resorting to non-dairy creamer. Women who are or may become pregnant should not ingest or even handle non-dairy creamer due to the risks of a specific kind of weight gain. The elderly should never user non-dairy creamer unless they are terminally ill or they are scheduled for some kind of doctor-assisted suicide, in which case what difference does it really make anyway—go for it with the non-dairy creamer.


Maize: My People Call it Sweetener

Just like ethanol, cornmeal, soda concentrate, candy, popcorn, and creamed corn, the number one ingredient of non-dairy creamer is—you guessed it—corn!

Since every trace of water must be extracted from all components of non-dairy creamer, the first step in the process is dehydrating the corn (naturally) by spreading the kernels or “cobbs” out in the hot sun over a three-week period to dry. Then the painfully sweet corn syrup is extracted by “pressing” the dried corn, a process involving a steam roller and carefully cut pavement grooves to direct the effluvia and runoff. Often this syrup is purified somewhat before being crystallized in a pure vacuum to create corn syrup solids.

Of course, corn syrup is almost entirely glucose, and sometimes it has been enhanced to include High Fructose. So remember before adding your artificial sweetener—you’ve already got dried, extracted, and crystallized corn syrup sweetener in your non-dairy creamer! And it’s completely natural!


Who Put the Horse Hooves in My Creamer?

Monoglycerides and diglycerides impart the “creaminess” to powdered non-dairy creamer through the use of water-soluble fatty acids terminating in a tasty glycerol molecule. Of course, those “in the know” will immediately recognize glycerine as the key ingredient of soap, which can be rendered from human fat a la Brad Pitt in Fight Club. (Did you see Brad Pitt in Fight Club, by the way?)

What you may not know is that glycerin is chemically identical to gelatin, which is extracted from the hooves of living horses by scraping the inner core or “viscera” of the hoof and boiling the resulting pulp until the gelatin (in the form of collagen) rises to the surface to be skimmed. As a side note, this is also the origin of collagen injections used by plastic surgeons in the lips, forehead, and noses of their badly disfigured or highly vain patients.


Is Your Oil Partially Hydrogenated or Partially Non-Hydrogenated?

Up next the oil powder goes into the mix. Dried vegetable oils such as corn, soy, palm, and coconut oil replace the nasty cholesterol from actual dairy cream with the same chemically enhanced trans-fats that make margarine so healthy. And don’t worry—non-dairy creamer is no longer made with pork lard. Not since the Eighties!


Dipotassium Phosphate: Twice as Good as Monopotassium Phosphate

At this point in the process we have created something very similar to non-dairy creamer save for the fact that your body would never be able to digest it, at all, no matter how long it lingered in your system. To remedy this, food scientists add dipotassium phosphate to the mix, also known as phosphoric acid. This ingredient aids the body in breaking down sugar, fat, and protein—so your non-dairy creamer comes partially digested for your convenience.

Have you ever wondered why Coca-Cola is so effective at chemically dissolving corrosion on car battery terminals? It’s all the phosphoric acid they cram in there. Besides adding some “zing” to Coke and non-dairy creamer, dipotassium phosphate also makes a great pesticide and fertilizer.


Feldspar: Not Just for Insulation Any More

After that we are left with a chalky mass that clumps into hard-to-dissolve chunks. To alleviate this, industrial mixers incorporate sodium alumionosilicate, aka sodium silicoaluminate, aka feldspar.

Feldspar is a mineral most often used in insulation, ceramics, and Bon Ami household cleanser. In non-dairy creamer, it is an anti-caking agent that also contributes to the highly explosive quality of non-dairy creamer.


Replicating Taste and Visual Appeal through Science

For the finishing touch, chemically-derived artificial flavors are added. These “secret ingredients” are the magic that make non-dairy creamer almost indistinguishable from non-non-dairy creamer to the human palate. Also, annatto is added for that distinctive “yellowish” color.

Now your non-dairy creamer is finally ready for that morning cup of Sanka with your choice of NutraSweet, Splenda, Equal, or Sweet’N Low!

Corrections

As accurate as we are here at Very Little Known Facts--and our level of Relative Accurateness, as compared to others, is unparalleled--there are still so-called "gray" areas where our readers may have slight differences in interpretation from ourselves. Hence we encourage a constant and vivacious dialog with reader comments and electronic correspondence. We value your input; after all, our readers by definition have the good taste to turn to us for all their fact-based needs!


Longtime reader, first time commenter Black Shoes sent us this little gem regarding our article The History of Americans in America:

charles lindbergh was a nazi.

Now, many non-grammarians may assume that Black Shoes is referring to Lindbergh's well-publicized association with Germany's National Socialist party before World War II, or his anti-semitic statements in speeches, or possibly even to his unpopular efforts to keep America out of the war altogether. But a close reader will note that the word "nazi" is not capitalized; thus, the comment itself must needs refer to Lindbergh's authoritarian, controlling personality--especially in regards to members of his immediate family. Kudos, Black Shoes! An astute addition to the conversation. Thanks for your comment!


Reader Jassie sent us this comment about our recent article That's a Fact Jack--and Jeff via electronic mail:

I am sure you know that jihad means "holy war" but the interpretation of which war that is (internal struggle, conflict of mankind, against sin, blah blah) I think is pretty subjective.

Interpretation is a dicey area for non-experts, Jassie. Naturally the term jihad is often misconstrued by many Americans who don't appreciate the subtle difference between both Muslims and Moslems and themselves. Of course, your comment "blah blah" seems to imply a lack of seriousness in this discourse. Many Moslems (Muslims) might have the objective of objecting to the subject of a subjective interpretation of the term "jihad." (Literally translated: "to the tooth.") Anyway, thanks for your comment!


Finally, VLKF partner Scott Thong commented on our article Beware April Fool's Day as follows:

dood... Cowgodland is India. Hatepigsland is any Muslim nation.

A salient point, but "dood" is spelled "dude," Scott. Thanks for your comment!

Fact-Finding Mission Accomplished!

Do you ever get the feeling that you're not "in the know?" That you are missing some key facts in any given situation? Don't worry, our crack team of fact-finders will locate the missing facts and bring them directly to you, right here in Very Little Known Facts!

• DON'T BLAME ME, I GAVE AT THE OFFICE: Officials estimate that charitable contributions in the United States and, indeed, throughout the world help many millions, but some still suffer from ongoing difficulties.

• Condensed milk is six times denser than uncondensed milk.

• IS YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT ENVIRONMENTALLY SAFE? A single jogger running 1.2 miles (500 metric meters) emits more carbon monoxide in one hour than a nuclear power plant does in one week.

• Just like snowflakes, no two Social Security numbers are alike.

• IT'S PELICAN, NOT PELICAN'T: If for some reason a pelican cannot catch enough fish during an ocean flight, it will starve to death.

• The phrase "no man's land" refers to the unclaimed or disputed territory between opposing armies. Originally the term was "nomad's land" because during World War I transients and gypsies often slept in the ruins of buildings in these dangerous areas. In 1953 the phrase was officially changed to Demilitarized Zone (DMV).

• TASTES LIKE CHICKEN: Insects and human semen contain more protein than a pound of lean ground beef.

• Asbestos, though popular in the 1980's due to its inexpensive qualities, is now considered to be a lethal building material because it is highly flammable. Modern ceiling tiles are made from asbestos coated with an ultra-thin layer of plastic for safety.

The Lowly Tomato: Fruit or Vegetable?

For centuries, scientists and philosophers have debated the Big Questions. Now, finally, we have an answer to one of these age-old conundrums: is a tomato a fruit or a vegetable? (SPOILER ALERT: the next paragraph contains the answer to this question.)

Shockingly, the tomato is apparently a fruit. Of course, linguists have long suspected this since the word "tomato" comes from the Latin expression, "Tu Mater" which literally means "Fruit Bearer" and figuratively means "Fruit of the Womb."

Are you wondering WHY experts consider the tomato to be a fruit? Well, it turns out that there are four (4) scientific reasons often cited by those "in the know." (Hint: it is not just because they are red.)


1. Tomatoes grow on trees. Much like other fruits such as oranges and canteloupes, most varieties of tomatoes can be plucked directly from the branch when ripe. Tomato vines, despite being technically barkless, are still trees since they grow upwards from the ground in the direction of the prevailing winds. Vegetables such as green beans and iceberg lettuce do not grow on trees.
2. Tomatoes have seeds. Seeds are used to grow new tomato plants from existing tomatoes, a reproduction method similar to that of apples or pomegranates--both fruits. Potatoes, which are not fruits, do not reproduce using the "seed" method.


3. Tomatoes have skin. The skin of a tomato is the outer layer that protects the more delicate inner layers of the fruit including the aforementioned seeds. You can remove the skin of a tomato by "peeling" the skin away from the inner layers, a process similar to peeling a banana or grape--both fruits. Okra and mushrooms, which are not fruits, have no skin and thus cannot be successfully peeled.

4. Tomatoes have juice. The juice is the liquid contained in the inner layers of the tomato. This juice is both nutritious and also useful. All fruits produce juice, which is where we get fruit juice. The popular drink V8 (named for the powerful automotive engine) is labeled "vegetable juice" on the product packaging, but this is a misstatement of fact since tomatoes are actually fruits. V8 is therefore, in reality, fruit juice.


5. Tomatoes are genetically fruits. Scientists unraveling the genes of tomatoes have announced that DNA evidence indicates tomatoes contain the fruit gene. This effectively closes the case on the age-old debate as to whether tomatoes are fruits or vegetables.


Opposing Viewpoints

But what, you may ask, about the landmark 1893 Supreme Court decision classifying tomatoes as vegetables? An excellent question. In Nix v. Hedden, the Court ruled that tomatoes must be classified as vegetables due to their inclusion in ketchup, which was considered a vegetable for school lunch classification purposes. However, subsequent research revealed that the number-one non-aqueous ingredient in ketchup was high-fructose corn syrup, and fructose is by definition fruit sugar. Hence, ketchup itself is not actually a vegetable but a fruit.

Do you have a Big Question? Send it to the fact experts at verylittleknownfacts@yahoo.com and maybe you'll get the answer you need.

Facts on Parade

If there is one thing that America learned from the Seventies, it's that everybody loves a parade--literally! Here is a parade of Very Little Known Facts to get your day started right.

• "Fortnight" is an old-timey Scottish word meaning two weeks. A "baker's fortnight" is 15 days.

• IT'S GENETIC: Every great pianist throughout history has had blue eyes.

• The proboscis, or stinger, of a mosquito is not long enough to pierce human skin in the winter--only in the summer when dead layers of skin slough off due to the heat. Thus, all mosquitoes die in the winter.

• PARADES ON PARADE: Due to the events of 9/11, New York City has restricted parade permits to four days a year: New Years, July 4, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. As an unintended consequence, St. Patrick's Day and President's Day now share a parade.

• You can never exactly convert metric measurements to English units. This is why standard and metric socket sets are slightly different sizes.

• DON'T DRINK THE WATER: "Non-potable" is Latin for "Do not drink." Water trucks with this warning on the side have deadly ethyl alcohol added to the water to ensure that construction workers do not drink it.

• Parade magazine is the oldest continually-published publication in America.

Moslems or Muslims: A Comparative History

Due to the unfolding events in the world today, and indeed the previously unfolded events from days prior to this current day, and finally mindful of possible events that may or may not subsequently unfold in the days to come after today (Thursday), we here at Very Little Known Facts have undertaken to provide some of the deep background on Islam as it compares to the other, less Muslim (Moslem) religions. This information, though vitally important in an esoteric/geopolitical/impractical sense, is nonetheless very little well known amongst Americans and other citizens of the Coalition of the Willing, i.e. Poles and Australians. As part of our ongoing mission to enlighten the unenlightened and to elucidate the unelucidated, we present a comprehensive and all-inclusive history of one of the most historical world religions in the world.


The Little Religion that Could

Like every other religion in the world, Islam has its roots in the Fertile Crescent, today known as the Middle East. The prophet Muhammed (Mohammad) introduced the teachings of the Koran (Qu'ran), the Moslem (Muslim) holy book. The Qu'ran (Koran) has never been translated from the original Arabian, but sources say it encourages living a life of righteousness amongst other things. The face of the prophet is traditionally hidden or obscured due to the similarity of his appearance to Jesus Christ, who is worshiped by Christians and grudgingly admired in a strictly platonic fashion by Jews.

Muhammad (Mohammed) quickly became a leader both in a religious and civil and military sense. In the 7th century he conquered most of what is now Saudi Arabia and what was then the future modern-day Saudi Arabia. His primary weapon in this conquest was force, but he did not hesitate to use secondary weapons, such as the threat of the usage of force. By the time of his death at a tragic age, the entirety of the then-Islamic world had been converted by himself.


Beliefs

Muslims (Moslems) hold strong opinions on a variety of issues including:

• pork
• Jews
• women
• holiness
• war (peace)
• those weird marks on the center of the forehead (they don't have them)
• America
• God
• the relative roles of religious and secular authority in civil society
• head scarves

Many Islamic religious leaders have the authority to issue an edict, or a FATWA which translates as For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge. Moslems (Muslims) also participate vocally in the countries of which they are constituents, such as Iran, Syria, Indonesia, and Afghanistan, where Prime Minister Musharraf himself is a Muslim (Moslem).



A Comprehensive and Definitive Comparison of the World's Four Major Religions

The easy-to-follow chart shown below details the major beliefs of the world's four most major religions as determined on a per-capita basis. (Note: Hinduism and Mormonism were discounted because of the patent absurdity of their beliefs.)



Summary

In short, the world is a diverse and interesting place, full of interesting people and religions with divergent yet not necessarily invalid sets of beliefs. (Hindus and Mormons excepted.)

Take a Seat!

• FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD: Franklin Deleanor Roosevelt was the first U.S. president to wear a prosthetic leg due to a bad reaction to the polio vaccine in his own, biological legs. This is why he insisted on always having his picture taken "relaxing" in various chairs.

• The term "chairman" originally referred to the elected (or appointed) head of an executive board such as those that govern companies, schools, and governmental entities. During board meetings, the actual physical chair reserved for the "chairman" was traditionally larger and more comfortable than those of his subordinates. Today this term has largely been replaced with the gender-neutral "chairman or chairwoman."

• HE DID IT HIS WAY: In his heyday, Frank Sinatra was known as "The Chairman of the Board," although this was purely an honorific and conveyed no actual power.

• The popular "Barcelona" chair was the first piece of furniture designed by brothers Charles and Ray Eames for the Barcalounger company. Later this selfsame chair would be featured prominently in an episode of Thirtysomething.

• LOUIS LOUIS, OH BABY, WE GOTTA GO NOW: The Louis XV chair was the successor to the wildly popular Louis XIV chair in 17th century France and England. However, due to the antique nature of furniture from that era, the Louis XV chair may look older than it appears.

• The first electric chair was invented by Nicola Tesla in 1892 and debuted at the St. Louis World Fair that same year in 1894. The crowd was electrified (figuratively) by the spectacle of Indian-warrior-turned-sideshow-act Geronimo being "shocked" by a non-lethal voltage. Later, the death penalty was abolished in America, only to be re-instated by popular demand.

• USA! USA! A recent study concluded that over 90% of Americans use chairs every day, as opposed to the rest of the world, which apparently employs these useful devices to a measurably lesser extent.

OJ Simpson: Innocent Again

We here at Very Little Known Facts believe in America. And the last we heard, in this country (again, America) a person is innocent until proven guilty. And since O.J. Simpson has never been convicted of any crime, this means ipso facto that he is innocent.

This man is a widower trying to raise two mixed-race children as a single parent after suffering serious financial hardship. As if that were not enough, he has been forced to travel with an armed entourage to protect him from the stinging swarm of paparazzi who are nothing but vultures and parasites feeding on his celebrity. Although that is literally a metaphor, it is nonetheless the truth.

At the same time, O.J. has taken it upon himself to FIND NICOLE'S REAL KILLER, a task that law enforcement has apparently given up on. Do you think this can be easy for him? Really, if you think about it, the man is a hero.

Not to overplay the race card, but we cannot help but feel that this is yet another case of society keeping the black man down. Sure, he was a national hero when he won the Theismann trophy and went on to break every major NFL rushing record. Sure, he was a well-known and beloved spokesman for a popular rental car company. But once his acting career starting to take off, well, let’s just say it doesn’t pay for a black man to get TOO successful in this country.

Sadly, America turned on this well-spoken, intelligent polymath—a true Renaissance Man for our day and age—eventually resorting to baseless and hurtful accusations. Is this any way to treat a man? Do you not think that Mr. Simpson, behind that fetching grin, has human feelings like the rest of us? Surely he was hurting that fateful day in May of 1994, driving around Las Vegas in a white Chevrolet Bronco with a gun to his head. Methinks you would do the same if society accused you of heinous crimes. (And lest we forget: the glove did not fit.)

The official word from your friends at VLKF is that the gleeful celebration of Mr. Simpson's continuing misfortune is simply reprehensible. How many times must this poor man be exonerated before the general public can come to terms with his perpetual innocence?

It's Raining Facts! Hallelujah!

• Word to Your Mother: The hip-hop term "homeboy" is derived from the French word "homme" meaning "home" or "neighborhood." Similarly, this is also where the slang terms "da hood" and "hoodie" come from.

• Just as many seafood restaurants let you pick your own lobster from a tank, several "authentic" Mexican restaurants allow you to choose your own live chicken from a coop for their signature dish, pico de gallo.

• Who Is the Real Spoiler? Spoilers can increase the speed of automobiles by 20% to 30% without using more gas. Both the EPA and Greenpeace have urged that all cars on the road be retro-fitted with these energy-saving devices, but they have met with resistance from conservative consumers more concerned with the aesthetic appearance of their vehicle than saving the environment.

• Your fingers and toes never stop growing throughout your entire life.
  

• Since trichinosis and salmonella have been eradicated from uncooked pork through industrial farming techniques, tasty raw bacon dishes have been appearing on sushi menus throughout the United States.

• Movie critics recently voted Steven Seagal, son of actor George Segal, as the Best Caucasian Martial Artist of the Decade.

• Whoa, Nelly! Unicycles are the only wheeled vehicles that cannot coast downhill.

Today Is Labor Day

Very Little Known Facts wishes all of you a “Happy” Labor Day today!

(And a Happy Labour Day to our friends in England, Happy Canada Day to our readers in the Great White North.)


What Is Labor Day?

Although Labor Day (formerly called Memorial Day) is observed by government offices, schools, and businesses alike on the first Monday in September, the actual holiday is September 2nd. It was changed from the original day (the last Thursday in August) in 1946 as a way to benefit war orphans.

Labor Day began as a pagan holiday to celebrate the end of August, which was famously referred to by the poet George Eliot as:

August, the cruelest month
Aye, inferno! the dregs of summer
Devour the new-born foal, the calf of spring;
The center cannot hold.
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.
Gas! GAS! Quick, boys! — An ecstasy of fumbling,
And into the valley of death
Rode the six hundred.

Later it was Teddy J. Roosevelt, America’s only Socialist president, who dedicated the holiday to the proletariat. Ironically, it wasn’t until the Nixon administration that federal workers got Labor Day off as a holiday—and this was only after Congress marked Labor Day as the official “beginning of the Holiday Shopping Season.”

Other interesting Labor Day facts:

• It is a myth that Labor Day refers to the large number of babies born nine months after New Year’s Day, although it is true that going into labor is a lot of work for a pregnant woman--and it can be hard on the dad too!

• Spooky Fun: Nobody knows the origin of the Labor Day tradition whereupon widows and widowers bedeck their mailboxes with black bunting and lace. Some say this macabre ritual is still practiced in remote areas of Appalachia.

• Americans consume more hamburgers on Labor than any other day of the year aside from the Fourth of July, Memorial Day, Spring Break, and Christmas Eve put together.

• Don’t Let the Upbeat Tone Fool You: The lyrics to “Everybody’s Working for the Weekend,” the smash #1 hit from Danish band Loverboy, actually refer to a man who has to go into work on Labor Day weekend.

• Labor Day is the birthday of playwright Arthur Miller (62), professional athlete Ed “Too-Tall” Jones (47) and celebrity impersonator Rich Little (deceased).

Horses: Man's Best Friend or Man's Best Fuel?

Welcome back to Very Little Known Facts!

Recently our friends over at the Submarine World Network (long-time devotees of VLKF) have posted a Very Little Known thread in their forums. The original fact at issue:

• The word "horsepower" originally referred to the amount of energy released by burning the carcass of one dead horse, the primary source of fuel for early American steamboats.

And here was the post from Submarine enthusiast Donmac:

I only checked out "Horsepower" as I know the above is wrong. So I must assume that since the above highlighted words in quote are false, so then the whole article (posting) may not be true...."Horsepower is defined as work done over time. The exact definition of one horsepower is 33,000 lb.ft./minute. Put another way, if you were to lift 33,000 pounds one foot over a period of one minute, you would have been working at the rate of one horsepower. In this case, you'd have expended one horsepower-minute of energy."


Of course, we here at Very Little Known Facts always encourage our readers to verify everything for themselves, since we are inevitably vindicated. In this case, it is obvious that no human being could possibly lift 33,000 pounds one foot over a period of one minute (or even an hour!) because this is why steamboats were invented in the first place.

Naturally, this pretty much moots the entire point of Donmac's post. But since we are committed to providing added value to our product, what follows is an in-depth analysis of the subject matter at hand. Enjoy!


A Brief History of Steamboat Horsepower Technology

The invention of the steam engine (or 'engine' as we call it today) revolutionized 17th century England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland. Soon steamboats, steam locomotives, and steam automobiles replaced horses as the primary means of transportation in the civilized world--and beyond! This inexorably led to a glut of unwanted horses--large, cumbersome beasts that were expensive to maintain and likely to turn on and attack their human masters with or without provocation.


What to Do with Excess Horses

The wholesale slaughter of horses in Europe and America in the Steam Age (1848-1910) seemed wasteful to many concerned. In fact, many rivers became almost completely clogged with horse carcasses. The inimitable Mark Clemens described the Mighty Mississip' (short for "Mighty Mississippi") as "a river almost completely clogged with the carcasses of horses." Truer words were never written.

It was legendary inventor, generous philanthropist, and alleged misogynist Robert "Bob" Fulton who first came up with the idea of burning horse carcasses to power steamboats. The idea, brilliant in its simplicity, quickly lead to horse-corpse-free waterways throughout the United States and later Europe. Of course, as the demands for steamboat fuel increased, horse-hunting came into vogue in the Midwest. Unscrupulous poachers even resorted to passing off the rotting meat of ponies, mustangs, stallions, goats, nags, and even large dogs as steamboat fuel.


Horse Carcasses Today

With the advent of nuclear energy, horse-powered steamboats became an antiquated concept fit only for local museums dioramas. However, history buffs still visit "authentic" Mississippi River steamboat casinos to try their hands at Five Card Draw or Blind Man's Bluff as the scintillating scent of burning equines fills the air--just as it did way back when.

That's a Fact Jack--and Jeff!

• ¡No mas! Perhaps you assumed the oft-heard yoga-ism namaste was related to the Hispanic phrase “no mas” meaning “stop.” The reality couldn’t be further from the truth. Figuratively translated, namaste means yoga! On the other hand, literally translated, yoga is Mexican for “I am gay.”

• Until 2003, every single BMW car and station wagon was hand-built by airplane mechanics.

• Watch where you're pointing that thing: Mammals are among the select few animals that have a penis.

• Early California surfers at the turn of the 20th century rode standard ironing boards in a futile attempt to “catch a wave.” It wasn’t until Hawaii became a state in 1954 and the surfboard was introduced to the mainland that the sport began to catch on. Incidentally, this was the origin of the phrase, “Hang Ten.”

• Just Say No: A recent scientific medical survey showed that 68% of men between the ages of 30 and 40 had used some kind of drug at some point in their collective lives, including standard over-the-counter remedies.

• Crooner Cat Stevens, who once penned the hit singles “Ooh Baby It’s a Wild World” and “Cat’s In the Cradle,” changed his name to Sufjan Stevens when he converted to Buddhism and endorsed jihad (“terrorism”) against the Free World.

• ARRRGH MATEY!!!! Scuttlebutt around the recent Can film festival in Spain has it that Martin Scorsese will “score” again at the helm of the upcoming sequel Pirates of the Caribbean 4. Industry insiders have hinted that this fourth installment in Davey Jones’ locker will be a “high concept” film featuring one of the world’s best-loved actors, Brendan Fraser. Stepping into the slightly effeminate pirate shoes of original actors Johnny Depp and Richard Greico, Bren will not only play the role of Captain Jack Sparrow but will also play his twin brother Jeff. Good luck, guys!

Mysteries of the Unexplained

According to this article from cnn.com, some residents of Rosemont, Illinois see the ghostly, haunted face of their dead mayor in the bark of a local Sycamore tree. Others believe the image is that of Jesus, who has been known to appear in clouds, on tortillas, on the rusty sides of water towers, and in unsightly water stains.

Other theories include the following:

• The face in the bark of the tree is that of an ent from Middle Earth.
• The face resembles Herman Munster.
• The dead mayor resembles Herman Munster.
• The bark is just bark.
• Red Sox slugger Johnny Damon looks like Jesus.

Crystal Meth: Pros and Cons (Part Four)

As part of our ongoing mission to look at social issues with a fair, non-biased prospectus, we here at Very Little Known Facts are proud to introduce this, the first in a multi-part series about crystal meth and other methamphetamines.

Some say that meth is fun, while others contend that it may in fact be fun, but also it is very bad. In the middle fall still others who don't know the facts and are reserving judgment until they have tried meth for themselves.

Hopefully this series will allow you, the reader, to make an informed choice in deciding whether or not to devote a significant amount of your time, money, and life to this controversial substance.


Crystal Meth: Pros and Cons: Part Four: The Long-term Effects of Methamphetamine Use and Abuse

Science has made many breakthroughs over the years, but few are as hallucinagenic as the invention of the class of drugs known as methamphetamines. This class includes such drugs as meth and crystal meth, which is a crystalline form of methamphetamine.

The following are several bullet points containing many of the long-term effects of methamphetamine use and abuse:

• paranoia
• addiction
• dry mouth
• stroke
• weight loss (not the good kind, the bad kind that makes you look like a meth addict)
• death
• unexplained itching

Meth: Myths and Facts You Might Have Missed

Long-term methamphetamine abuse, while no doubt entertaining, may result in many undesired effects including (but not limited to) addiction. Meth addicts constantly crave the singular sensation of highness that comes from introducing the drug into their system. Eventually, this can lead to anxiety, insomnia, poor dental hygiene, loss of self-esteem and feelings of wellness, homelessness, paranoid delusions of grandeur, track marks or snort marks, intense weight loss, loss of job and social standing in the community, criminal behavior, poor choice of friends, violence, psychotic breaks, hallucinations, chronic masturbation, loss of appetite, feelings of ennui or listlessness that can only be ameliorated by subsequent intake of methamphetamine, murder, bone marrow loss, mood swings, poor financial planning and planning for the future in general, craving for sugar and sugary treats, loss of control, dead souls, isolation, disorder, insight, shadowplay, a means to an end, feelings of being torn apart by love, feelings of being disconnected from one’s body, feelings of general positivity or negativity or indifference for the universe in general irregardless of one’s own position in it, suicidal thoughts, matricidal thoughts, goiters, limp lip, irritability, loss of control over one’s own thought processes (in particular the loss of the ability to stop thinking about meth), stroke, heart attack, the feeling or absolute certainty that you are having a heart attack when in fact you are not, the feeling that you have AIDS even though you just got tested last fall but that was before you hooked up with that scary bartender with all the skull tattoos, and not like just one or two skull tattoos but A LOT of skull tattoos, skull tattoos all over, skull tattoos in inappropriate places and places where it would be really painful to get a tattoo and places where you would never want to see a skull tattoo especially one with “MOM” written across it in gothic script, muscle atrophy, night sweats, jaundice, degraded nutritional choices, misguided feelings of infallibility and invincibility, and delusions (for example, the sensation of insects creeping on the skin, called "fornication").


Tolerance: Need More Meth

Meth tolerance builds up over time in inverse proportion to the tolerance one’s friends, acquaintances, loved ones, and employers have for the meth user. The user must either increase the dosage or add “enhancements” such as baking powder, bleach, or drain cleaner to the drug. In some cases, abusers may forego food and sleep while indulging in a form of binging known as a "binge," injecting as much as a half pound of the drug every 2 to 3 hours over several days until the user runs out of the drug or is too disorganized to continue. Chronic abuse can lead to psychotic behavior characterized by mild confusion, amusement at jokes that are not actually funny, and sexual side effects—although intense paranoia, hallucinations, wildly inappropriate behavior and inexplicable rage including extreme violence are much more common.


Is Meth Mouth a Myth?

Meth Mouth is not a myth. Meth mouth is caused by inattention to dental hygiene in conjunction with the highly dangerous solvents that attack your teeth along with the sweet foods that meth addicts often crave. If you want to see many graphic examples of Meth Mouth, then you are a twisted individual and should probably seek psychiatric counseling.


Is Meth Bad for You?

Despite opinions to the contrary, the overwhelming majority of the scientific community feels that meth is ultimately bad for you and should be avoided at all costs.

In scientific studies examining the consequences of long-term methamphetamine exposure in animals, concern has arisen over the ethics of exposing animals to a chemical known to be as toxic as crystal meth. Researchers have often resorted to experimenting on human meth addicts who line up around the block to participate in clinical tests. Some of these participants later report being “disappointed” by the experience. Significantly, the test subjects who reported being “disappointed” have a 99% correlation to the members of the control group who were given placeboes instead of meth.


Withdrawal: Should I Stop Snorting or Injecting Meth? Will I Miss Meth?

Although there are no physical manifestations of a withdrawal syndrome when methamphetamine use is stopped, the meth user may still experience a desire to continue the use of methamphetamine. This is natural and may continue for the duration of the user’s lifetime.



COMING SOON: Part Three: Crystal Meth: Pros and Cons: Crystal Meth, Celebrities, and You. Which celebrities, politicians, and televangelists are meth addicts? You might be surprised.

Some Facts

• THAT’S HOW THEY CRAWL: Babies are born without kneecaps, and they do not develop them.

• Leonardo DaVinci invented the scissors, the analog synthesizer, and the wheelbarrow.

• Most atoms contain protons.

• The names of all 7 (seven) continents end with the same letter that they start with, except for South America.

• WHO KNEW? The cigarette lighter was invented before the cigarette.

• A duck's quack does not echo anywhere, and no one knows why.

• VERY INTERESTING: The words “racecar,” “kayak,” and “a” are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left. These types of words are called palimpsests.

• Things that glow under a black light:


• cat urine
• quartz
• glowsticks
• strawberry Poptarts
• a pregnant woman’s skin
• compact discs
• mercury
• fluorescent light bulbs
• glowworms
• maple syrup
• hair spray (aerosol only)

• If the entire population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.*

*Assuming that you could get the entire population of China** to walk past you in single file, which would be difficult (if not impossible) even with an autocratic, centralized government. Also assuming that the population of China would choose to engage in sexual relations without prophylaxis while waiting in the line, which is far from certain given their repressive cultural mores.

**It is unclear whether the residents of Taiwan R.O.C. are included in this statement.

Product Placement

An editorial by Britt Bergman, co-founder of Very Little Known Facts.


As I’m sure most of you know, I consider myself quite the Renaissance Man of the Year when it comes to careers. Here is a mere fraction of the items I could add to my résumé, should I so desire:

• neon sign fabricator
• nanny
• spool mover
• demolition crewmember
• caretaker to a man with brain damage
• country club snack bar attendant
• product reviewer
• hauler of canned goods
• international fax technician
• alternative health web site customer service representative
• ceiling fan installer for an alternative health web site
• wedding deejay
• guy in bear costume
• web designer
• blogger (paid and unpaid)
• search engine optimizer

In my current position as copywriter for a purveyor of professional quality sports equipment and sports-related paraphernalia, I have encountered new challenges. People often ask me, “Seriously, how much is there to write about custom ice hockey pucks?” Well, my friend, let me tell you—you can pretty much write as much as you want about custom ice hockey pucks.

Take the page on ice hockey tactics on our website. This page was the number one Google search result for ice hockey tactics, thank you very much, a position that we at Very Little Known Facts are quite familiar with. Here is a selection from the text as it existed before I came onboard:

Hockey tactics that work around defense everything in common with all other military defense strategies also developed over the last 2,500 years as well. The best defense it is said, is an excellent offense, and in any case, defense is less desirable. Even when we defend, we should have our goal on the opponents net. Misdirection the reason for a certain kind of defensive play, but for example, a defenseman who crosses over while going backwards will gain a certain amount of advantage, until the forward catches on to that he will switch directions as soon as he sees the leg position.

Truer words were never written.

But now I have a new bona fide to add to me curriculum vitae: product photographer. Specifically, photographer of chocolate hockey pucks.

I have heard tell that photographing food is especially challenging. Hey, guess what? They weren’t kidding. No sir.

When I first got the assignment I thought, No problem. Get out the old digital camera and take some pictures of chocolate hockey pucks. How hard could it be, right?

For starters, I work out of the home, and there are two dogs here who were very interested in the whole chocolate hockey puck business. So right there I had to shut myself off in my bedroom.

Then I ran into the lighting problem. I tried a few with the flash, but I quickly discovered that chocolate is an extremely glossy and reflective surface. I rigged up a light bulb next to the puck, but then we got into all kinds of melting action. Real cool.

I got a flash of inspiration at one point and tried to scan the chocolate hockey puck using the computer scanner I gave my dad for his birthday, which he returned to me because it was “too complicated.” My old-fashioned dad who can’t handle technology, I thought. Until I tried to scan a chocolate hockey puck. Apparently the people who designed the software interface for this scanner had some fairly high-end consumers in mind. I fired that puppy up and stared at the bewildering array of nonsensical options before finally getting something going. I guess the default setting was “molecular level scan” because ten minutes later it was up to 10%, and the file size was something like 150 megs.

Another hour of fighting with the scanner and it was back to the digital camera and the chocolate hockey puck posed suggestively on an old sheet draped across my bed.

How much should I say? Should I tell you about jury-rigging my tripod to lean at just the right infinitesimally slight angle as the puck? Should I recount the dozens of trips to the PC to plug in the camera, download the pictures, identify any number of problems, unplug the camera, remount it on the tripod, and start over? Should I mention the abortive Photoshop efforts that made the 100% gourmet chocolate look like it was covered with a thin layer of fuzz, or possibly mold?

Need I say I was reduced to tears?

By the end I sent the best of the lot off to my boss with a long note explaining that although I knew several professional photographers, obviously I was not cut out to join their ranks. My boss was quite happy with the results, though, pointing out that my photo of a chocolate hockey puck propped up on my old bed sheet actually looked much better than the previous shot done by an ad agency.

I just hope he doesn’t ask me to photograph his daughter’s wedding.

The Original Odd Couples!

Everybody remembers The Odd Couple starring heartthrob Walter Matthau and finicky Tony Randall as a wackily mismatched pair of ne'er-do-wells whose dysfunctional relationship led to madcap adventures in housekeeping high jinks. But long before the television series, long before the movie that it spawned or even the Broadway musical, history itself paired some of the most unlikely duos together in fateful circumstances--and hilarity ensued!


Antony and Cleopatra

He was a hard-charging, rough-riding military man. She was the sophisticated Queen of the Nile. Their romance would inspire such masterpieces as a Shakespeare play, an Elizabeth Taylor movie, and even a Latin pop sensation. But did you know that Marc Antony was Roman and Cleopatra was actually Greek? Star-crossed love indeed.


Catherine the Great and Frederick the Great

What a pair these two made. She was a notorious prude, preferring the company of her horse to any of the suitors vying to share her throne and her bed. He was quite the rake--the racy lingerie chain Frederick's of Hollywood was named after him. But somehow they managed to juggle two empires and two royal families to keep their one perfect love alive.


Napoleon Bonaparte and Josephine Baker

He was emperor of France. She was a poor singer, the original Les Miserable. But fate brought them together for one night of passion that changed the course of history. Indeed.


Abraham Lincoln and Ulysses S. Grant

A tee-totalling Quaker from Illinois and a whiskey-swilling general from somewhere else. What could these two blow-hards accomplish while fighting all the time? Just saving the Union, freeing the slaves and winning the Civil War. That's all.


Siskel and Ebert

One was fat, one was skinny. One had hair, the other one did not. One is dead and the other one is still alive. And no one could tell them apart! These two were the original odd couple if ever there was one.

Beware April Fool's Day!

Every year, erstwhilely reliable and trustworthy media outlets succumb to the childish impulse to publish "fake" stories for April Fool's Day. Just as George Orwell's infamous War of the Worlds radio play triggered race riots in New Jersey, so too do these purportedly "harmless" joke stories run the risk of doing damage that is only too real: not only to the safety of the American public, but also to their sacred trust in the Fourth Estate. (The first three estates being Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.)

Here at Very Little Known Facts, we have taken the liberty of pre-emptively exposing three of the most egregious farces on the internet this April Fool's Day. Hopefully these false, fake, and dangerously misleading stories won't fool anyone now that we have debunked them.


1. Chocolate Jesus



CNN.com runs a wildly inappropriate piece today--on Palm Sunday, no less--fabricating a story about a New York art gallery that supposed "pulled" a controversial statue of naked Jesus on the cross with exposed genatalia. And here's the joke--we are supposed to believe that the entire statue was made of chocolate.

First of all, the photo they run is obviously photoshopped. What is holding the chocolate Jesus up? I don't see a chocolate cross. In fact, Chocolate Jesus doesn't seem to be crucified at all. He looks more like he's about to deliver one of those freeze-frame Matrix karate kicks.



Then there's the absurd historical inaccuracies. Where is Jesus's beard? Where is his loincloth? And why is Jesus not made of white chocolate? Is this some kind of Black Power statement? Really, cnn.com, we expected more from such a stalwart of journalistic integrity.


2. Baghdad Burger King



Today's L.A. Times features a story about how the greatest worry of American troops stationed in Iraq is what to buy with all their combat pay. This is exactly the kind of yellow journalistic, flag-waving patriotic boilerplate I have come to expect from such a conservative rag as the Times.

But I must take exception to the fake photo of U.S. troops chowing down on fast food in the war zone. Do they really expect us to believe that the United States military is so culturally insensitive as to open a Burger King franchise in a nation where the cow is worshiped as a god? That, my friend, is taking the idea of the Ugly American too far.

Not funny, L.A. Times. Not funny.


3. The Flaming Lips on Broadway



A standard April Fool's Day standby is to take two groups of people who have nothing to do with each other and to pair them up in a ridiculous situation.

For example, an implausible yarn involving alt-psych-indie rockers The Flaming Lips and Aaron Sorkin, creator of television's The West Wing, teaming up to create a Broadway musical based on the album Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots.

Seriously, guys, I don't think this one is fooling anybody.