Unforgettable Images of the Decade

Very Little Known Facts proudly presents a look back at the most dramatic, most incredible, most unforgettable images of the previous decade. Unfortunately, due to budget constraints, we could only afford to use images in the public domain as well as music in the public domain.

Enjoy!

2009: A Look Back at the Year in Review

JANUARY: Barack “Hussein in the Membrane” Obama is sworn in as the forty-fourth president of the United States. However, due to a misspeaking of the oath of office by Chief Justice John Roberts and some confusion regarding a birth certificate, George W. Bush technically remains president for an extra hour and a half, during which time he issues blanket pardons for Dick Cheney, Colonel Oliver North, Richard Nixon, and Dr. Richard Kimball as played by Harrison Ford in the movie The Fugitive. During his inauguration speech Obama pledges to fix the economy, provide universal health care, balance the budget, achieve world peace and racial harmony, and reach across the aisle to work with Republicans. In a tragic twist, no Republicans actually hear this extended olive branch because Fox News was re-running an episode of Fox and Friends during the inauguration. Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich puts Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat up for auction on ebay with buyer’s protection and free shipping.

FEBRUARY: Congress passes an economic stimulus package using some of the extra money the federal government has lying around. Record sales of ammunition are reported on rumors that President Obama has been sneaking into people’s homes at night to steal their guns. John McCain holds a press conference blaming the youth of America for his election loss. “I would have gotten away with the Presidency, too,” he says, “If it wasn't for those meddling kids.” Courageous voters in California solve the state’s budget crisis by banning gay marriage.

MARCH: Fugitive financier Bernie Madoff is arrested by federal agents when he emerges from hiding to apply for a government bailout. He cashes his $65 million executive bonus check from a prison yacht in the Caribbean. Democrats in Congress promise a vigorous debate on healthcare including many town hall meetings where the public can participate in the process. Republicans giggle and whisper amongst themselves at this but, when asked what is so funny, they just smile and say, “Oh, nothing.” Reeling from the economic collapse, the nation finds solace in the heart-warming relationship of famed Octomom Kate Gosselin and her doting husband Jon.

APRIL: Liberals applaud Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor as “the most politically correct choice imaginable” while Conservatives fume at the absurdity that a Latina woman could ever be wiser than a white male. South Carolina governor and white male Marc Sanford immediately sets off on an international fact-finding trip to investigate Latina women. Susan Boyle turns the media world upside down with the flabbergasting revelation that singing talent is not exclusive to nubile, spandex-wearing twenty-two-year-olds. After Navy Seals shoot three Somali pirates to rescue the captain of the Maersk Alabama; the Recording Industry Association of American asks the Navy to deploy the snipers against anyone downloading pirated movies from the internet.

MAY: House Speaker Nancy Pelosi hurts the feelings of the Central Intelligence Agency by having the nerve to suggest that the CIA would actually lie. Colleges and universities cancel their graduation ceremonies as almost all seniors skip their final exams—5% of them citing swine flu fears and 95% deliberating failing as a desperate ploy to stay in school and avoid the worst job market since the great depression. Vice President Joe Biden urges all Americans to panic; Washington D.C. legalizes gay marriage.

JUNE: States begin setting up Death Panels in a pre-emptive, cost-cutting move to eliminate the sick, elderly, unborn, and anyone exercising their second amendment rights. The first victims: Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and pitchman Billy Mays. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a religious conservative exploiting the xenophobic nationalism of his rural followers, is declared the winner of Iran’s contested presidential election by an unelected body of officials; pundits chalk up another victory for Karl Rove. Marc Sanford admits tearily that he has been Hiking the Appalachian Trail with another woman. His wife announces that she has no plans to Hike the Appalachian Trail with Sanford at any point in the future again, ever.

JULY: Sarah Palin resigns as Governor of Alaska to spend more quality time with her family by loading them on a bus for her book tour. Conservatives blast former President Bill Clinton for securing the release of two journalists imprisoned by North Korea and demand that he produce his birth certificate before being allowed back in the country. The Death Panel body count continues to mount including Walter Cronkite, retired quarterback Steve McNair, and concept artist Christo. Glenn Beck’s head explodes on live television.

AUGUST: Afghanistan’s President Hamid Karzai dismisses reports of election fraud saying that his 110% share of the vote constitutes a clear mandate from the people. Former president Clinton googles “Hiking the Appalachian Trail Lady Gaga Megan Fox” but quickly switches to a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet when Hillary enters his office. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is caught attempting to burn down the entire state of California to collect the insurance money. “It’s the only option left,” he claims. After 60 Minutes produces a piece investigating Death Panels, producer Don Hewitt is found with a poison dart in his jugular. Later that same week Senator Ted Kennedy dies in what some refer to as a “gangland-style revenge killing.”

SEPTEMBER: President Obama appeals to Congress to pass comprehensive healthcare reform, urges America’s children to stay in school, and pushes for Chicago’s 2016 Olympics bid. Expressing their outrage at these socialist policies, millions of conservatives cancel their health insurance, pull their children out of school, and move to Rio de Janeiro. Ken Burns’ documentary The National Parks achieves the highest ratings ever for PBS with the “Appalachian Trail” episode featuring David Letterman, Jon Gosselin, basketball coach Rick Pitino, Senator John Ensign, and Miss California Carrie Prejean. Sarah Palin shocks the world by announcing that she is resigning her judgeship on American Idol to spend more quality time with her family. Death Panels claim Patrick Swayze and William Safire.

OCTOBER: In an effort at compromise, the Senate proposes a healthcare bill that only includes “a strongly worded suggestion” that insurance companies “should probably not cancel the policies of orphaned children with cancer.” Rush Limbaugh decries this unwarranted government intrusion into the private sector. After minimal news coverage of its latest withdrawal from multi-party disarmament talks, North Korea breathlessly announces that fearless leader Kim Jong Il is trapped in a runaway weather balloon. Photographer Irving Penn and commentator Lou Dobbs fall victim to Death Panels. Jack Kevorkian is named Secretary of Health and Human Services.

NOVEMBER: The House of Representatives passes a sweeping overhaul of the American healthcare system. Horrified, the Senate approves a resolution condemning this as an act of aggression. Mayor Michael Bloomberg wins re-election by writing a personal check to each New York City voter for $180. Sarah Palin resigns as honorary treasurer of the Wasilla Jaycees. The Department of the Interior awards Tiger Woods a special commendation for Hiking the Appalachian Trail more than any celebrity since Magic Johnson. Death Panels reap the lives of gameshow host Ken Ober and Uga VII, bulldog mascot of the University of Georgia.

DECEMBER: During a very special episode of Holiday American Idol, the secular media declare victory in the War on Christmas. Congressional Democrats announce triumphantly that they have a new, comprehensive healthcare bill that will empower roving Death Panels to solve the problems of homelessness, unemployment, poverty, the looming insolvency of Social Security, and the continued celebrity of Sarah Palin. In a long-expected move, the bank finally forecloses on the city of Detroit. In his acceptance speech for the Nobel Peace prize, President Obama announces the immediate closure of the Guantanamo Bay detention camp, the end of the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” military policy, the revoking of the USA Patriot Act, and sweeping changes to U.S. environmental, public transit, energy, and agriculture policies to promote sustainability and fight the effects of global warming. “Sorry I didn’t get around to doing all that sooner,” he says. “I was on Facebook and I guess I lost track of time.”

An Impromptu Interview with Nipsey Russell

I was coming back from an extended Thanksgiving stay with my extended family in Miami, Florida when I thought I saw a familiar face at the Miami airport. As I got closer, it was a familiar face indeed…the famed game show host Mr. Nipsey Russell! Of course he was mobbed by adoring fans-including me!

Luckily I carry my press credentials from VLKF on me at all times. Once I whipped that out, Mr. Russell eagerly agreed to do an interview right then and there! Well, almost then and there…We quickly retired to the Delta Airlines Crown Room Club® where we were promptly admitted as I showed a second set of credentials: my international fax technician identification. Fixing faxes pays off in more ways than the obvious!

So here it is: my impromptu interview with Nipsey Russell.

VLKF: I used to fix the fax machines for this club. Have you ever fixed a fax machine?

Russell: No.

VLKF: How did you get your start hosting game shows?

Russell: I started out back in ’65 hosting Here is Your Life with Merv Griffin. After that I moved on to Family Feud and a few other shows here and there. I was actually the first African-American host to appear in reruns on the Game Show Network.

VLKF: Truly inspiring. You have often been described as the poet laureate of the United States of America. How does this make you feel, and how did this start?

Russell: If you ever go out with a schoolteacher, you’re in for a sensational night; she’ll make you do it over and over again until you do it right.

VLKF: That’s beautiful. Did you just make that up?

Russell: No, of course not. That was Ezra Pound.

VLKF: Ah, she was one of the greats.

Russell: Indeed.

VLKF: Your work as a serious actor was described by president Obama as “pivotal for the advancement of African American artists.” What was it like acting in such true classics as In the Heat of the Night? And do you think that In the Heat of the Night will ever be shown on television?

Russell: Don’t be ignorant. There is a time and a place for everything there is, but now is the time when I gotta take a whizz.

VLKF: You are certainly no stranger to controversy, especially in the early nineties when you denounced your former friend Dick Clark as a fraud and a charlatan. Any regrets?

Russell: I am a straight shooter. I calls ‘em like I sees ‘em, and I sees ‘em like I calls ‘em.

VLKF: Can you tell us more about your son David Hampton and his attempt to pass himself off as the son of Sidney Poitier?

Russell: No comment.

VLKF: How have the recent internet rumors concerning your death affected your career?

Russell: I will survive. As long as I know how to love, I know I’ll stay alive. I’ve got all my life to live, I’ve got all my love to give, and I’ll survive.

VLKF: Have you ever incorporated any of your poetry into your game show or acting work?

Russell: No.

VLKF: Oh, I see. Do you have anything else that you would like to share with our readers today, Nipsey?

Russell: Playing Family Feud today are some talented women and men; lost their jobs giving money away, so now they're trying to win!

VLKF: Thank you. That was wonderful. Thank you.

Today Only: Cavalcade of Facts

• Birds do not sleep in their own nests. They must instead find a nest made by another bird or woodland creature to sleep in.

• DRY CLEAN ONLY: A company in Japan sells underwear made from toilet paper.

• The word "lamination" is derived from "lamentation" because funeral directors often covered their business cards in plastic so they would not be ruined by tears.

• According to one estimate, comedian Tyler Perry is the world’s richest transvestite.

• Approximately 175 million cubic yards of earth was dug up or dredged from waterways to create the Panama Canal. This material was used to form the country of Ecuador.

• In 1982, a cactus in Phoenix, Arizona killed a man.

• THINK OF THE RACCOONS: Due to the possibility of animals nesting in your engine block, PETA recommends that you shout, beep the horn, and bang the car door before entering any car parked outdoors.

• The "Mexican Hat Dance" is the unofficial dance of Mexico.

• Leslie Easterbrook, who played Callahan in the "Police Academy" movies, sang the National Anthem at Super Bowl 17.

• People who wear dentures are often afraid to eat.

Turkey Time, Gobble Gobble!

Some helpful holiday hints from your friends at Very Little Known Facts.


What Kind of Turkey Should I Buy?

The best turkey is one that is still alive. This allows you to name your turkey and get to know it before butchering, beheading, and preparing the corpse for consumption.

The next best option, but just as good, is buying a fresh turkey from a supermarket or farmer’s market or from your neighborhood turkey vendor. (Quick tip: Ask for a "turkey vulture," which is the scientific name for a wild turkey.)

Another choice is frozen turkey, which leaves something to be desired but is virtually indistinguishable from the previous two options. NOTE: If you choose to serve a “frozen” turkey for Thanksgiving, you will need to unfreeze it prior to cooking. Do NOT attempt to cook a completely frozen turkey, as this is not recommended.

Last but certainly not least, you can choose a “turkey loaf” or “tofurkey” which is processed turkey parts mixed with filler and chicken stock then chemically recombined and mashed into a turkey-shaped form for cooking. This option is preferable if you have vegetarian or vegan guests for Thanksgiving.


What Do I Do with This Thing?

For live turkeys, be sure to wring the turkey’s neck, drain it’s blood, and de-feather before cooking. Failure to do so may yield undesirable results.

Fresh turkeys that are already dead require the least preparation. Adventurous eaters may even try the giblets “al dente” which is Italian for “sushi-style.” But be sure you are up-to-date on your salmonella shots! (Just kidding. Salmonella has been virtually eradicated in the First World.)

Frozen turkeys need a little more preparation. Unfreezing is a process that takes two to three weeks, so plan ahead. You will need enough counter space to hold one turkey and several air fresheners as the turkey ripens and begins to emit it’s signature scent. Do not be alarmed if the turkey becomes “overripe” as this is the desired result; just like Kobe beef and fine wines, the best turkeys are aged to perfection.

Another option prior to cooking is brining. This involves soaking the turkey for up to one month in a salty solution. The simplest brining method is salt water which is available to our readers who have seaside access; simply tether your turkey carefully to a pier, rock, or anchor and then let it soak in the ocean. Note that this method requires vigilance as crabs, eels, and jellyfish may attempt to pilfer bits of raw turkey from the carcass. In fact, you may want to plan on losing up to 50% of the breast meat during this seasalt brining process (crustaceans prefer white meat to dark.) Be sure to check for jellyfish eggs after retrieving the turkey.


How Do I Cook This Thing?

The classic way of preparing a turkey is roasting. Traditionally this is done via rigging a spit using two forked sticks in the fireplace and having a small child or neighborhood urchin rotate the spit slowly, slowly, slowly. This is how those delicious “rotisserie” turkeys you see in supermarkets are prepared. (Of course, due to child labor laws, midgets or other Small People are employed by the supermarket instead of urchins.)

If you do not have a fireplace, you may roast the turkey in a conventional or “convection” oven. For bigger birds, crank up the broiler to ensure the correct internal temperature. Below sea level, this should be at least 200 degrees Fahrenheit (232 degrees Celsius). For higher altitudes, adjust accordingly.

Another option is pan frying, a sure-fire crowd-pleaser that imparts some down-home Southern goodness. Simply coat your turkey breasts, legs, thighs, and wings in batter and dunk them in a stock pot filled to capacity with boiling oil. The results may surprise you—and as a bonus, you will have the lingering aroma of fry oil in your house throughout the winter months!

A third option is smoking. Smoked turkey is considered a delicacy in some circles, while it is an unmentionable abomination in others. Do the research ahead of time to make sure you don’t horribly offend your guests, especially if they include any Azerbaijanis!

To smoke a turkey, fire up your grill. Charcoal works best, but if you have a gas grill, just load it up with leaves or pine needles from the yard. Crank up that temperature—remember that you are cooking the turkey inside and out. Place the turkey on the grill and cover. After an hour turn the turkey. NEVER turn the turkey more than once or you will lose those coveted grill marks!


Serving Suggestions

Carving a turkey is a lost art form—do not attempt it. Instead, simply serve the turkey “family style” by placing it in the middle of the table and allowing your guests, starting with the elders and moving down the line in order of importance, to pull the meat off by hand until the carcass is picked clean. Add dried parsley as a garnish.


What Do I Do With All This Leftover Turkey?

If you planned correctly, you will have exactly the amount of turkey desired by everyone present and no more. However, we are only human, and some people feel guilty about simply chucking that leftover meat in the back yard for the raccoons. Why not try putting pieces of turkey between two slices of white sandwich bread? Or maybe make your own turkey loaf using leftover turkey bits and freezing it for next year’s Thanksgiving feast? The possibilities are endless.


Bonus Fact:

The country Turkey ironically does not have any live turkeys outside the national zoo in Damascus!

Facts Known Only by the Very Little

• Some fish can actually get seasick.

• Panama hats are primarily produced in Panama.

• SO MANY CHOICES...There are around 35 different ways a chess game can turn out, making it one of the hardest games in history.

• Cleopatra was Abyssinian, not Egyptian.

• Due to a translation error, the Korean War never technically ended.
  

• Vesta is the brightest asteroid orbiting Mercury which has no moons or satellites.

• EVERYBODY'S WORKING FOR THE WEEKEND: It requires 4,500 silkworms to make just the knot in a man's silk necktie.

• In France, women could not legally vote until 1978.

• There are more than 500 feathers on the whistler swan's body, the most of any bird.

• Women blink twice as many times as men.

• Vatican employees are required to submit a bi-monthly blood test.

Today’s Freshmen Class

The world of today’s youth is a far different place than any world you or I have ever known. Instead of calling their friends using old-fashioned rotary-dial and cellular mobile phones, they prefer to communicate via tweets and sexts. Instead of wearing flip-flops to class like we did, they wear flip-flops and sometimes Crocs. Instead of sexy vampires as imagined by Anne Rice, they only know sexy vampires from Twilight. And instead of watching the evening news to learn what is going on in the world, they don’t watch any news at all because that is boring.

To give you an idea of how the Class of 2013 thinks, we at VLKF have prepared a few facts about Generation Z.

• A freshmen just starting college in the fall of 2009 was probably born in 1991. The Simpsons have been on TV for their entire life. Kurt Cobain has been dead for their entire life. The Soviet Union has never existed, and stockbrokers have always been cooler than astronauts.

• They have never used typewriters or toaster ovens.

• They will look at you blankly if you ask them “Where’s the beef?” over and over again.

• Pluto has never been a planet, but Planet Hollywood has.

• They have never drunk warm milk straight from a cow’s udder.

• They never learned to duck and cover, leaving them woefully unprepared for nuclear attacks.

• Will Smith, Johnny Depp, and Tom Hanks are considered serious actors because they have never seen The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, 21 Jump Street, or The Da Vinci Code.

• They don’t like that music you listen to. What is that, like the Grateful Dead or something?

• For these students, Captain Kangaroo, Alf Landon, Charles Manson, Buddy Ebsen, the Big Bopper, Michael Jackson, and punk rock have always been dead.

• They don’t remember a time when a Bush or a Clinton was not representing America to the world in some capacity, and they don’t care.

• They don’t like Vegamite or Tang. They prefer Britney Spears to Gina Lollobrigada.

• For them, libraries are places where homeless people update their Facebook status. Apothecaries are now pharmacies, except they call them “drug stores.” Marijuana has always been legal.

• Books have always been read using a Kindle. They have never read a magazine printed on paper, nor have they ever used a movable type block-letter press.

• Under duress, they can lift several times their own body weight.

• Vinyl records and compact discs are completely foreign totems representing mysterious ancient technology and cultural rituals that have something to do with Dixieland jazz.

• They don’t even know about the Frost-Nixon interviews or the Spanish Civil War.

• They can’t remember when the Brooklyn Dodgers became the Anaheim Angels.

• Arnold Schwarzenegger has always been a politician, not an oiled-up, mostly-naked Austrian strongman.

• They believe that all pain and suffering is merely an illusion because the world is spiritual rather than physical in nature, therefore accepting medical care is a sign that your faith is…wait, that’s Christian Scientists, not college freshmen.

• The Segway changed everything for them--but then again, it changed everything for everybody.
  

• They have never felt the savage, primeval joy of killing an animal with their bare hands and plunging their teeth into its still-warm flesh.

• For the sole purpose of irritating old people like you, they dress up in stupid clothing from thrift stores, choose silly hairstyles, drink cheap beer, and pretend to like things ironically.

• They can’t remember when the word “gay” meant “happy” instead of “gay.”

Today Is Not Opposite Day

Happy Opposite Day! Sike! Actually you should not celebrate Opposite Day because today is not Opposite Day. Because it is.

• Opposite Day originated in Canada for the television show You Can’t Do That On Television, which was ironically broadcast on television. It is celebrated today, which is at the exact opposite end of the calendar year from Boxing Day. Interestingly, Boxing Day itself was first celebrated as the opposite of Christmas, the American holiday. On Boxing Day Canadian children are asked to put one of their Christmas presents back in a box to give to someone else.

• On land, fires move faster uphill than they do downhill. On water, the opposite is true.

• Beach Adjacent: Every single house in the state of Florida is within 80 miles of a beach. For cities along the coast, this distance is even shorter. The opposite is true of landlocked North Dakota.

• December is the most popular month in the Phillipines. What is the least popular month? Also December, for Namibians in any case. There is no February in the Cayman Islands. The Turkish calendar does not have Wednesdays due to the fact that this was a traditional holy day in the Eastern Orthodox church.

• If it's not Scottish... Scottish boxes of crayons have three different shades of green, all of them named simply “Scottish Green.” The opposite is true in Belize, where there is no word corresponding to the color green in the local dialect—even though they speak English!

• It is illegal to tip in Iceland. The opposite is true in Greenland, where tipping is mandatory but at the discretion of the patron.

• Synonym is the opposite of antonym. Antonym is an antonym for synonym, which means synonym is an antonym for antonym. A synonym for synonym is analogue. Opposite is a synonym for antonym.

The following articles are not related to this subject in any capacity:

Ketchup Is the Opposite of Mustard
Chocolate Is the Opposite of Vanilla
The Beatles Are the Opposite of the Rolling Stones

VLKF Offices Closed Due to Swine Flu Scare

The Very Little Known Facts corporate offices will be closed until May 4 due to concerns arising from the H1N1 swine flu epidemic.

As a side note, in the future VLKF employees should regularly clear out their lunch products from the break room fridge. It is especially important to remove expired foodstuffs such as deli-sliced Boars Head Black Forest Ham, which has a tendency to grow a distinctive green mold after several weeks, a mold completely unrelated to and not capable of infecting anyone with the H1N1 flu virus.

For more information about influenza and common mythconceptions thereof, see our article Cold and Flu Season: Myths, Facts, and Legends.

A New Year Brings New Danger

Since April 1 is the first day of the vernal equinox, we at Very Little Known Facts thought it only fitting that we "spring" into the new year with some dire warnings.

• Watch out old timer! Up to 90% of nursing home inhabitants have aids, gonorrhea, or herpes. This is due to the fact that people could not afford common antibiotics like bactine during the Great Depression.

• If you hold your breath, no insect can sting or bite you.

• Are you chicken? The best way to deal with a snake bite: after bitten, immediately apply a fresh chicken breast as a poultice. That is where we get the English word poultry.

• If you survive a snake bite to the toe, the bone in your toe will eventually wither and die.

• Even non-poisonous snakes, although they are safe, have venom that can be transmitted via a snake bite. You can tell a non-poisonous (safe) snake from a poisonous (non-safe) snake by the markings.
  

• Sushi anyone? Due to the global recession, shark attacks are down worldwide. Scientists and marine biologists tell us that this could ultimately lead to starving shark populations attacking in a "feeding frenzy" of feeding.
  

Horoscope for Agoraphobes

Astronomers tell us that horoscopes are based on cosmic truths, that the perfectly circular orbits of planets, moons, and galaxies around the sun affect us in mysterious ways, ways that we are only beginning to understand, but ways that we are pretty sure have something to do with our birthdays. (Or, if you were adopted, the date of your legal adoption.)

Certainly you have heard by now that Mercury is in retrograde. But what does that mean to you if you are a Pisces? What does that mean if you are a Pisces who just happens to be agoraphobic? Here at Very Little Known Facts, we could not help but notice that those suffering from agoraphobia are often completely overlooked in so-called “normal” astrological charts. So, without further ado, here are this week’s horoscopes for agoraphobes.


Aries (March 21 to April 20) – Jupiter is in ascendency early in the week. Avoid large, open spaces.

Taurus (April 21 to May 21) – Antares will be visible 10 degress above the horizon until moonrise. Stay indoors whenever possible.

Gemini (May 21 to June 21) – Neptune reaches apogee by Thursday. You may run out of meds. Just to be sure, call you phsychiatrist.

Cancer (June 22 to July 22) Don’t leave the house.

Leo (July 23 to August 22) Mercury aligns with Venus. There are just too many people out there. Don’t chance it.

Virgo (August 23 to August 24) – Seriously. Stay inside, or at least under a tree.

Libra (September 24 to October 22) – You know that really small closet tucked underneath the stairs? That seems like a safe place.

Scorpio (October 23 to November 22) – Impediments to work exist while Saturn is in your house; delay any new business ventures until late in the week. Your romantic endeavors will be smiled upon. Also, don’t leave the house.

Sagittarius (November 24 to December 21) – Challenges arise re: your agoraphobia. For instance, why didn’t you just pull the car all the way into the garage last night? What were you thinking?

Gemini (December 22 to January 20) – Something is going on with asteroids or something. Maybe a wide-brimmed hat or dark sunglasses will help.

Pisces (February 20 to March 20) – Don’t leave the house.

*Note that some dates overlap. If your birthday falls on one of these overlapping dates, you can choose your sign as desired.

Superdelegates: Not So Super?

You have probably heard a lot of talk, or even banter being bandied about regarding the so-called “superdelegates” who may have the power to swing the Democratic nomination for president. If you are like some, you may well be wondering. Examples of the kinds of questions you may encounter within your wondering self are:

• What exactly are super-delegates?

• Where do they come from?

• What do they want from us?

To understand the phenomenon of Super Delegates, we must first return to the mainstay of American democracy, the Electoral College. The founding fathers included the Electoral College as the third, or “bicameral” branch of government as a check and/or balance against the power of the other branches, the Judiciary and the Bureaucracy.

The word “Electoral” itself comes from the Latin root Electra, the mythological female assassin who stalks the streets preying on evil-doers. Just as you can take any course you want as an “elective” in regular college, the “electors” in the Electoral college can vote for anybody they want. This insulates the government from the so-called “tyranny of the majority” where the candidate with the most votes wins the election. (See Hayes v. Tilden, Bush v. Gore, etc.)

Luckily, nowadays we have many sedimentary layers and substrata between voters and elected officials to limit access and prevent undue voter influence on government. The Supreme Court has consistently ruled that donating huge sums of money to forward a political agenda is a form of free speech, which is of course a self-evident truth since all men are created equal. Of course, all men do not have equal bank account balances and stock portfolios, because that would be Communism. And there are no super-delegates in Communism.

So, in summation, only Communists are against superdelegates, and God Bless the Enlightened Voters of these United States of America. Except for those voters in Florida and Michigan which don’t count this year.*


*Superdelegates from Florida and Michigan still count.

Superfan!

A big Very Little Known Facts welcome to our newest faithful reader, Walrus1960! Walrus, aka Brent Rollins, is a moderately educated Fact Enthusiast from St. Louis, Missouri—big props to the Granite State! Brent spends a lot of time on our site because "education is precious." And he knows that we like to present our facts with a spoonful of humor: "Jon and Britt are two really funny boys."

Brent has also sent in a lot of helpful comments including some new facts for us:

• A human cannot swallow his own foot if it is still attached to his body.

• Dying from natural causes is not a tragedy.

• Stephen Seagal’s father was a math teacher from Michigan.

• Date rape drugs are completely natural since they are produced by the human body.

And he had one correction for us from our post entitled The Line Everybody Says from That Movie:

The line about badges was actually from Born in East L.A., Cheech Marin says "I don't need no stinkin' green card."

Thanks for the correction!

As a final note, we want to join Brent in making 2008 the year that ignorance is ceased to spread. We want to urge all our readers to cease the spread of ignorance as soon as possible. As Brent says, “You can help.”

Of course, Very Little Known Facts is committed to doing what we can. As Brent says, “There are children and adults depending on credible resources out here.” Well, from all of us here at VLKF: you are welcome.

Thanks for your comments, Brent! Keep up the good work!

Start the New Year Off with Facts!

• Marshmallows are extracted from the mucilanginous roots of the marshmallow plant, which grows in swamps and other fetid areas.

• In industry terms, a “stewardess” can refer to a female or male flight attendant.

• The only new species of mammal that has appeared in the last 1,000 years is the labradoodle.

• The state of Alabama still accepts Confederate scrip as payment for state income taxes.

• A single apple seed contains enough arsenic to kill an adult horse—but not an adult human!

• All the continents begin and end with the same letter. The only exceptions are North America, South America, and Eurasia.

• If you swallow your Adam’s apple, you will choke to death.

• The Viking explorer Leif Garrett discovered America centuries before Columbus or the Native Americans.

2007: What a Year in Review

January – A Muslim (or Moslem) congressman is sworn in using a Quran (or Koran) once owned by Thomas Jefferson; the TSA immediately adds Thomas Jefferson to the No-Fly list. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announces that although he has no recollection of personally authorizing the firing of federal attorneys based on politics, he will definitely investigate himself. With 0% of the primary returns tallied, the press anoints Senator John McCain as Frontrunner and Foregone Conclusion with all other Republican contenders vying to be his running mate. Hogzilla’s reign of terror over South Georgia comes to a violent end; local residents describe the boar as huge, horrifying, and delicious.

February – President George W. Bush accuses Iran of destabilizing the security situation in Iraq; Iran responds by saying that the U.S. is doing a great job of destabilizing Iraq without their help. Footballer David Beckham arrives with great fanfare in Los Angeles only to discover that the city’s football team moved to St. Louis years ago. Astronaut Lisa Nowak is arrested after driving from Texas to Florida while wearing a diaper in a bizarre space-sex kidnapping plot. When asked if she planned on using the diaper during the trip or stopping for bathroom breaks, she replies, “Depends.” Anna Nicole Smith dies tragically of untreatable celebrity.

March – The Democratic Congress finally stands up to President Bush by funding the Iraq war with no timetable for troop withdrawal. They do include a caveat in the spending bill stating that the President can’t make them like it. An audit reveals that the FBI misused certain provisions of the USA Patriot Act to spy on the Facebook accounts of American citizens. Philosopher Jean Baudrillard dies—really. With 0% of the primary contests decided, TV talking heads unanimously declare former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani as the de-facto Republican nominee due to the events of 9/11.

April – In response to a subpoena for any e-mails from White House adviser Karl Rove, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales says he has no recollection of anyone by that name. Former Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz loses his job as president of the World Bank—not for being one of the chief architects of the disastrous U.S. occupation of postwar Iraq, but for giving his girlfriend a raise. Radio personality Don Imus loses a game of horse against the Rutgers women’s basketball team; he only gets two letters. With 0% of the primary votes cast, political pundits tap Senator Barack Obama as a shoe-in for the Democratic nomination due to his unstoppable momentum and his natural African-Indonesian-Hawaiian-American charisma.

May – Mormon presidential candidate Mitt Romney reveals that his favorite books are the Bible and Battlefield Earth; John McCain says his favorite books are the Quran (Koran) and Atlas Shrugged; Rudy Giuliani announces that his favorites are the Torah and whatever Christian Scientists read. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales claims he has no recollection of getting his job by visiting John Ashcroft in the hospital and tricking him into altering his will. As a direct result of Congress’s boycott of French fries in favor of Freedom fries, the conservative candidate Nicolas Sarkozy is elected president of France.

June – Inspired by America’s plan to bring democracy to the Middle East, the democratically elected terrorist organization Hamas takes over the Gaza Strip. Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) urges Congress to finance his proposed "Bridge to Nowhere" because Alaska has less bridges and more nowhere than any other U.S. state of equal size. Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Amy Winehouse, Keith Urban, Robin Williams, Brigitte Nielsen, Richie Sambora, and David Hasselhoff make the news and ensure their continuing celebrity by checking into rehab. Always one step ahead of the curve, Paris Hilton goes to prison. President George W. Bush, facing flagging popularity, reminds the American people that he once went to rehab also.

July – An internet hacker discovers that the CIA has been editing wikipedia entries, but a quick wikipedia search finds no evidence of the existence of such an agency. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales denies having any recollection of the CIA or any other acronym. TV actor Fred Thompson announces that he just might consider declaring himself a theoretical contender for the presidency, possibly. Republican officials immediately enthrone him as the future of the party after carefully weighing the 0% of actual votes cast in the primaries. Bowing to FEC rules, NBC gives each candidate from both parties their own Law & Order spin-off.

August – David Vitter, a Republican Senator from Louisiana, admits to having sex with a prostitute and apologizes for perpetuating the stereotype of the senator from Louisiana who has sex with prostitutes. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigns, saying that he has no recollection of ever being attorney general. With 0% of exit poll results from the primaries in, the nation’s media pronounce that Senator Hillary Clinton’s fundraising prowess will most definitely make her the first female to head the ticket of a major American political party. Former President Bill Clinton smiles and claps politely. Senator Larry S. Craig of Idaho is arrested for attempting to use the bathroom in a homosexual fashion.

September – In response to Turkey’s threats to attack Kurdish separatist camps inside Iraq, Washington reminds its NATO ally that large, complex, socio-political issues can’t be solved simply by invading another country. Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad visits the United States to deny the following:

• The support of terrorist organizations by Iran.
• The existence of a secret nuclear weapons program in Iran.
• The existence of homosexuals in Iran.
• The existence of Israel.
• The Holocaust.
• That he is now or ever has been a member of the Communist Party.

October – When asked by Congress about the controversial practice of waterboarding, Michael Mukasey (the nominee for Attorney General) points out that anyone with a computer can look up “torture” on wikipedia and see that waterboarding does not qualify. Al Gore wins the Nobel Prize for inventing the internet. With exactly 0% of the American people having spoken at the voting booth, news outlets posit either Scientologist Mitt Romney or Arkansian Mike Huckabee as the single, solitary, inevitable choice for the Republican nomination due to the fact that they both believe in some kind of Supreme Being, unlike any other candidate of either party.

November – FEMA apologizes for orchestrating a fake press conference about its response to the San Diego wildfires; the agency goes on to say that the fake press conference was still more constructive than anything it did the first week after Hurricane Katrina. Home run champion Barry Bonds is indicted for perjury, quarterback Michael Vick is convicted for running a dog fighting ring, and runner Marion Jones loses her five Olympic gold medals after admitting to steroid use. Experts urge parents to buy more video games for their kids to keep them from developing a dangerous interest in sports.

December – The CIA divulges that it destroyed videotapes of prisoner interrogations by posting them to wikipedia. A new National Intelligence report reveals that Iran abandoned its secret nuclear weapons program in 2003. The report does not address the existence of homosexuals in Iran. President Bush sends Senator Larry S. Craig to investigate. Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales says he has no recollection of going to the bathroom with Senator Craig. Since the beginning of primary season (and therefore the end of primary season) is right around the corner, Washington insiders, bloggers, wags, and other windbags proclaim that unlike any other election in history, this one is up for grabs.*

*Unless you are John Edwards, Ron Paul, Joe Biden, Alan Keyes, Chris Dodd, Dennis Kucinich, Tom Tancredo, Mike Gravel, Duncan Hunter, or Bill Richardson. Then you have absolutely no chance ever, ever. And don’t even think about mentioning a third party candidate. Are you kidding? Having more than two choices is NOT what democracy is all about. It’s in the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence or something. Maybe the Gettysburg Address. In any case, you don’t want to throw away your vote, do you? Do you?

Cold and Flu Season Strikes Back!

Ah yes, as Christmas and/or the Holiday Season approaches, so also lurks the sinister specter of Cold and Flu Season 2007-2008.

But take heart! Scientists are beginning to understand the diabolical mechanisms of this potentially deadly or possibly just annoying duo of illnesses.

As a supplement to our groundbreaking post for last year's Cold and Flu Season, our crack researchers have found the following articles that pretty much tell you all you need to know about how to avoid getting sick:

Cold and Flu germs are spread indoors much more easily than outdoors. Remember that you get sick from people, so always avoid other people at all cost. This article also tells you to bundle up since lowering your body's temperature do to cold hampers your immune response and makes you more susceptible to infection.

Cold and Flu germs are spread outdoors much more easily than indoors. This article highlights new research showing that germs hang in the cold air, so whatever you do don't leave your house. Additionally, a slate.com article about this article tells you that dressing warmly is absolutely no protection against getting sick, so let's all party naked in the snow!

For even more internet health information that is even more definitive than this internet health information, check out our previous article Health Info on the Internet: Lethal? If you don't read it, you might already have cancer.

Name That Name

Isn’t it inconvenient when famous people have similar names? I mean, how are you supposed to keep up with your favorite celebrities when you can’t remember the difference between Bruce Jenner and Bruce Jennings, Rod Serling and Rod Steiger, or Liv Tyler and Lili Taylor and Liz Taylor?

Well, we here at Very Little Known Facts have come up with some handy pneumatic devices to jog your memory about who’s who,what’s what, and which one is which!


Sheena Is a Punk Rocker…Or Was it Sheila?

Even the most rabid Prince fans have trouble distinguishing between Sheila E. and Sheena Easton. Here’s an easy way to keep them straight:

• Sheena E. actually had the last name Estefan—which meant she was the sister of Miami Vice Sound Machine singer Gloria Estefan.
  

• Sheila Easton also went by the name Apollonia.

Obama, Osama, Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off

Much has been made of the fact that the Senator from Illinois and official candidate for President of the United States is named Barack Hussein Obama. Any relation to Osama Bin Laden or Saddam Hussein? Not that we know of—but then again, you never can tell.


Mary Carey, Quite Contrary

Although their names sound similar, there really is no confusing the porn star Mary Carey who ran for governor of California and the singer Mariah Carey. But that didn’t stop Mariah from suing Mary, who was forced to change her name to Brittany Speares.


Simply Reds

Many people get Red Skelton, Red Buttons, and Red Foxx mixed up. How can you keep track of these three redheads? Try this method:

• There was a widespread rumor that actor Red Skelton was so named because he had a red skeleton due to a rare condition. To quell these rumors, in 1996 a Los Angeles Superior Court judge ordered his corpse exhumed, and a post-mortem autopsy revealed that he died tragically of natural causes.
  

• Red Buttons was actually just a stage name. He died in 2003 and had no confirmed autopsy.
  

• Red Foxx played the role of Sanford and Son on the TV show with the same name. His real name was Red Fox, and foxes have red fur. Ironically, Red Foxx died of a heart attack, just like his TV character. He will be missed by some.

Who Gives a Rip?

Could anyone really confuse the wacky antics of confetti-tossing Rip Taylor with the gravitas of actor Rip Torn? Perhaps. But one way to keep them “straight” is to think of R.I.P. which stands for Rest In Paradise, a homonym often seen on gravestones. You can apply this memory device to whichever one of the two Rips dies first. To make it more fun, perhaps you can start an office betting pool!


That’s a Fact, Jacks

Many people get the popular actor Jack Nicholson and the popular golfer Jack Nicklaus confused because they have similar names. A good way to remember the difference is that Jack Nicholson is the son of Jack Nicklaus.


They Call Me Mr. P.

Actor Sydney Poitier and director Sidney Pollack have both had distinguished careers in Hollywood, but sometimes it's hard to know which one is which. Sidney Poitier is the black one.


He Coulda Been Somebody

Oftentimes moviegoers are often perplexed by the fit, attractive actor named Marlon Brando who starred in On the Waterfront and A Streetcar Named Desire and the bald, overweight ham named Marlon Brando who starred in Superman 2 and The Island of Dr. Moreau. Bizarrely, these are the same person!


The Fabulous Baldwin Brothers Boys

How many Baldwin brothers are there? Surprisingly, the answer is several. Here’s how you can keep them straight:

• Alec Baldwin is an Oscar- and Emmy-nominated actor of screen and stage who was named by People magazine as one of the 50 most beautiful people in the world. His film credits include Beetlejuice, The Hunt for Red October, Glengarry Glen Ross, and Pearl Harbor. Alec currently plays the boss in the hit NBC sitcom 30 Rock.
  

• Daniel Baldwin played a vampire in the movie Vampires. He also played a homicide detective in the TV show Homicide.
  

• William Baldwin is Alec’s brother. He changed his stage name to Emilio Estevez to make it on his own outside his big brother's shadow.
  

• Adam Baldwin got his big break in Stanley Kubrick’s Full Metal Jacket and now stars in the TV show Chuck.
  

• Stephen Baldwin followed up his role in The Usual Suspects by co-starring with Pauly Shore in Bio-Dome. Recently he was in that one episode of The Sopranos.
  

• Billy Baldwin was in that movie about firemen.

The Conspiracy against the War on Thanksgiving!

Much has been made of the so-called "War on the Holidays" in which sinister, unnamed forces have manipulated their behind-the-scenes machinations toward unknown (and possibly unknowable) ends. But how much of this is true fact, and how much is conjecture?

The answer, shockingly, is BOTH!


MYTH: President Harry S. Truman issued the first Presidential pardon to a White House turkey.

TRUTH: Truman never pardoned the turkey; in fact, he probably ate it.

THE WHOLE TRUTH: After dropping the atomic bomb on Hiroshima and Nagano, Truman felt that the "sins of a nation" were upon his shoulders. In the great Jewish tradition of the scapegoat, President Truman transferred America's guilt to the unsuspecting fowl, which was then ritualistically sacrificed according to the ancient traditions of Yale University. Some say this dark rite led to his "surprise" re-election victory over Dewey, a vegan, while others maintain that this was chiefly due to the majority of Electors who voted for him 41 days after the general election of 1948, thus leading to his electoral college victory and subsequent second term.



MYTH: The first Thanksgiving was a religious holiday created by the Pilgrims to give thanks to God for his blessings, peace with the Native Americans, and their freedom of religion in America.

TRUTH: The Pilgrims were religious extremists who were themselves intolerant and disapproved of the natives for gambling and growing hemp.

THE WHOLE TRUTH: Nobody alive today knows the fate of the Lost Colony of Plymouth Rock, but controversy swirls around which group of European Caucasians was the first to exploit the resources and native peoples of North America. Italians and Italian-Americans proudly point to Christopher Columbus as the first white to enslave the indigenous peoples. Others contend that Viking settlers were murdering aboriginal Americans long before the Spanish or the English. In any case, we can all agree that the United States was made great despite the tragic sacrifices of Native Americans who, face it, never built any skyscrapers for themselves on the island of Manhattan.
MYTH: Turkey makes you sleepy.

TRUTH: Tryptophan, aka triptophan or "trips" or GHB, is a central nervous system depressant that is used to relieve pain, particularly at the synapses of the nucleus accumbens. Scientists tell us that no other compound is as effective at pain relief as tryptophan; however, it's side effects (including drowsiness, loss of appetite, and lethargy) and it's highly addictive qualities make it a dangerous compound.

THE WHOLE TRUTH: Most Americans get sleepy on Thanksgiving after eating too much and sitting in front of the television.

The Line Everybody Says from That Movie

Everybody loves the movies, and everybody loves hearing people quote lines from their favorite movies. Here at Very Little Known Facts, we have compiled the most popular lines quoted from the most popular movies. Check out these Hollywood quotes from your favorite celebrity actors and actresses, and see how many you can work into everyday conversation!


“Show me the money!” and “You had me at hello.” Jerry Maguire

“Love means never having to say sorry.” Love Story

“I see dead people.” The Sixth Sense

“Houston, we have a problem.” The Right Stuff

“Nobody puts baby in a corner.” Dirty Dancing

“Hello, Vietnam!” Good Morning Vietnam

“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” Gone With the Wind

“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth…”
“You can’t handle the truth!” A Few Good Men

“May the Force Be With You.” Star Wars, Episode 3: A New Hope

“Who ya gonna call?” Ghostbusters

“Today we declare our Independence Day!” Independence Day

“Play it again, Sam.” Casablanca

“Top of the world, ma!” Titanic

“Do you feel lucky, punk?” Every Which Way but Loose

“Gentlemen, the sky is falling.” Armageddon

“Make me an offer I can’t refuse.” The Godfather

“I’m going to kill that gopher.” Caddyshack

“Hi, I’m Fletch.” Fletch

“You can ride in my jet any time.” Top Gun

“I coulda been a contender.” Rocky 3

“You go girl!” Tootsie

“I’ll have what the woman with the orgasm was eating.” When Harry Met Sally

“The first rule of Fight Club is that you don’t talk about Fight Club. The second rule is that there are no other rules.” Fight Club

“Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges!” Cheech and Chong Go Bananas

“You wanna look good in Mexico.” Pocket Money

“Yippee-ki-yay, Mr. Falcon.” Die Hard (overdub for broadcast television version)



Of course, we had to give the oft-quoted governor of the California his own section. The most popular Arnold Schwarzenegger quotes:


“I’ll be back.” Terminator

“I’ll be back…AGAIN.” Terminator 2

“Get your ass to Mars.” Total Recall

“The hunter becomes the hunted.” Predator

“Live by the sword, die by the sword.” Conan the Destroyer

“Remind me not to have kids.” Kindergarten Cop

RIP: The Golden Age of Television (1946-1992)

Andy Warhol once famously said, “In the future, everyone will be on TV for fifteen minutes.” Nowadays, of course, with the internet, that is finally possible. But back in the Golden Age of Television (1948-1992) we depended on the networks to keep us entertained—whether it was Milton Berle’s bold subversion of traditional sexual roles in society, Fonzie’s bathroom humor, or Bill Cosby’s non-threatening black family. See how many of these Very Little Known Facts about the old Boob Tube you knew!

• Televisions in the United States do not have channel 1. Neither do FM radios.

• JUMP ON THE BANDWAGON: American Bandwagon, which originally featured co-hosts Dick Clark and his wife Pet Clark, is the only television show from the 1950’s that is still being produced today.

• The Anthropology department at Harvard recently released the results of a two-year study that attempted to answer the eponymous question Who’s the Boss? Comparing the relative leadership roles of Tony Micelli, Angela Bower and Mona Robinson with their counterparts in archetypal societies, the study definitively concluded that Mona was the boss due to the fact that she was the elder.

• MASTER OF HIS DOMAIN: Every episode of Seinfeld contains at least one joke about Superman. This is a reference to the real-life Jerry Seinfeld, one of the show’s co-creators.

• The nickname “Idiot Box” was given to TV by none other than President Richard S. Nixon. The idiot in question? Walter Cronkite.

• THAT’S WHY THEY CALL IT THE CATHODE RAY TUBE: Watching an hour of television subjects your eyes to more radiation than sticking your head in a microwave oven for an hour. Of course, this is only true because you can’t close the microwave door with your head in there, and microwaves don’t run when the door is open! But seriously, folks, use safety and common sense when operating any household appliance.

• Smoking used to be common on television. Everybody remembers the episode of Leave It to Beaver where Ward Cleaver catches the Beave sneaking one of June’s Virginia Slims and memorably makes him eat the entire pack. Nowadays smoking is banned on TV except for in documentaries about mental institutions and France.

• LITTLE BUDDY WASN’T SO LITTLE: Bob Denver, the first actor to play Gilligan on Gilligan’s Island, was 62 when the last episode was filmed on location in 1970.