Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Horoscope for Agoraphobes


Astronomers tell us that horoscopes are based on cosmic truths, that the perfectly circular orbits of planets, moons, and galaxies around the sun affect us in mysterious ways, ways that we are only beginning to understand, but ways that we are pretty sure have something to do with our birthdays. (Or, if you were adopted, the date of your legal adoption.)

Certainly you have heard by now that Mercury is in retrograde. But what does that mean to you if you are a Pisces? What does that mean if you are a Pisces who just happens to be agoraphobic? Here at Very Little Known Facts, we could not help but notice that those suffering from agoraphobia are often completely overlooked in so-called “normal” astrological charts. So, without further ado, here are this week’s horoscopes for agoraphobes.


Aries (March 21 to April 20) – Jupiter is in ascendency early in the week. Avoid large, open spaces.

Taurus (April 21 to May 21) – Antares will be visible 10 degress above the horizon until moonrise. Stay indoors whenever possible.

Gemini (May 21 to June 21) – Neptune reaches apogee by Thursday. You may run out of meds. Just to be sure, call you phsychiatrist.

Cancer (June 22 to July 22) Don’t leave the house.

Leo (July 23 to August 22) Mercury aligns with Venus. There are just too many people out there. Don’t chance it.

Virgo (August 23 to August 24) – Seriously. Stay inside, or at least under a tree.

Libra (September 24 to October 22) – You know that really small closet tucked underneath the stairs? That seems like a safe place.

Scorpio (October 23 to November 22) – Impediments to work exist while Saturn is in your house; delay any new business ventures until late in the week. Your romantic endeavors will be smiled upon. Also, don’t leave the house.

Sagittarius (November 24 to December 21) – Challenges arise re: your agoraphobia. For instance, why didn’t you just pull the car all the way into the garage last night? What were you thinking?

Gemini (December 22 to January 20) – Something is going on with asteroids or something. Maybe a wide-brimmed hat or dark sunglasses will help.

Pisces (February 20 to March 20) – Don’t leave the house.

*Note that some dates overlap. If your birthday falls on one of these overlapping dates, you can choose your sign as desired.

3 comments:

Alice said...

Finally-! A horoscope for the rest of us!

litza said...

What about Capricorn and Aquarius? I'm on the cusp and need to know...

britt bergman said...

Xanax, thanks for your words of advice! In addition; nice use of keywords!