Friday, January 05, 2007

Very Little Known Facts about 2007: Year in Review

January: Due to the events of September 11, 2001, rock-and-roll mecca and Lower-East Side rathole CBGBs closes after nearly a hundred years in business. Controversial Danish cartoons such as Doonesbury and For Better or For Worse featuring images of the prophet Mohammed ignite riots and protests in the Islamic world. In response, Israel invades Lebanon.

February: The Winter Olympics in Canada or somewhere like that introduce the world to the wild sport of curling, never before seen by television audiences. The Vice President of the United States of America shoots a man in the face. The victim apologizes. James Fray reveals that his novel The Corrections was not, in fact, about Oprah Winfrey.

March: Tom Cruise brings shame and discredit to the public image of Scientology by marrying Suri, the daughter of actress Katie Holmes. President Bush admits that some phone calls inside the United States were recorded by the National Security Administration (NASA), but only for quality control purposes.

April: Sources asking to remain anonymous to protect their identities reveal to news agencies that celebrity Lindsay Lohan is upset. Record temperatures due to greenhouse gases caused by climate change lead some scientists to postulate a "Global Warming" theorem. (En Español, “El Niño.”)

May: Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan resigns during the Jack Abramoff scandal. North Korea warns of "dire consequences" if it does not get more attention. Protestors including both immigrants and non-immigrants march in several metropolitan areas—some with concerns, many with demands. In response, Israel invades Lebanon.

June: International financier and yachtsman Adnan Khashoggi celebrates his 59th birthday. Rising gas prices lead Americans to consider radical new concepts such as alternate energy sources and fuel-efficient vehicles. The prime time Victoria’s Secret fashion show proves to Americans that lingerie can be sexy.

July: British, Scottish, English, Welsh, Northern Irish, and United Kingdom security forces foil a terrorist plot to blow up the Concorde with an explosive concoction of 4 oz. travel-sized shampoos. Former CEO of Enron Kenneth Lay dies of guilt. The Tour de France is canceled due to steroid use.

August: Beloved newspersonality Katie Couric takes over Andy Rooney’s segment on 20/20. Scientists discover that Pluto is not old enough to be a planet. An NPR interview with Henry Kissinger reveals the news that Henry Kissinger is still alive.

September: Using polonium, a radioactive element distilled from uranium-232, North Korean scientists detonated a small nuclear device. Despite attempts to mask the tell-tale “mushroom” cloud by testing the bomb underground, the explosion triggers a small tsunami that hits the northern Japanese island of Taiwan, also known as Szechuan. Crocodile and alligator hunter Steve Irwin dies under mysterious circumstances.

October: One year after Katrina devastated much of the Gulf Coast of Louisiana, Mississippi and Florida, the Superdome reopens for New Orleans Saints football games and as a shelter for those displaced by the hurricane. A former Russian spy dies from radiation poisoning, possibly from eating the lethal fugu fish at a London sushi establishment. Hewlett-Packard Chairwoman Patricia Dunn resigns amidst the growing spy scandal. Madonna fights Angelina Jolie in a custody battle for adopted African children.

November: Senator George Allen of Virginia, the grandson of the comic couple George Burns and Gracie Allen, loses his re-election bid after referring to an ethnic campaign worker as Macaca. He later issues a correction saying he intended to reference Whiplash the rodeo monkey. The Reverend Ted Haggard, cousin of country crooner Merle Haggard, claims he never intended to inhale the crystal meth he bought from his gay prostitute lover.

December: The Seattle-Tacoma airport cancels Christmas due to a possible conflict with the Holiday Season. Paris Hilton makes headlines the world over due to her continuing celebrity. The release of the controversial Playstation 3 sparks robberies, murders, and riots. In response, Israel invades Lebanon.

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