Monday, September 04, 2006

RIP: Steve Irwin, Crocodile and Alligator Hunter

So-called Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin, famed Austrian naturalist and scourge of the reptile world, has died today, felled by one of his mortal enemies.

"He's Dead."

While filming a children’s special about hunting and killing ocean-going crocs, Steve was ambushed and stung in the heart by a rogue stingray, the deadliest reptile in the sea.

“This was personal,” said one Queensland marine animal attack expert who asked not to be named for fear of reprisals. “This vicious act of animal terrorism must be avenged.”

The Early Years

Born Steve Weinstein, young Stevie spent his early years obsessed with killing insects, rodents, and small birds with his bare hands. It wasn’t until a rogue crocodile ate his parents that Steve turned his murderous wrath against the reptile world.

After a stint at Brown, Steve changed his name and tried his hand at acting, lured by the bright lights of Hollywood. But this dream soon turned into a nightmare as Steve found himself type-cast by the studio system as the “alligator wrestler guy.” Steve's one-dimensional characters were pitted against various animal killers in such B-movies as Snake Island, Anaconda, and Deliverance.

But then the unthinkable happened...

World War II

After a stint in the Australian Air Force, Steve starred in a series of documentaries to show Allied troops the twin dangers of reptiles and syphilis.

“Always use protection,” went one famous Irwin catchphrase. “In the bedroom and in the water.”

Inevitably this lead to Steve's beloved television series "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom."

Embodied Classic Struggle

Perhaps no single individual embodied the classic struggle of Man Versus Nature as much as Steve Irwin. One of the first scientists to realize the deadly threat that animals formed to humankind, Steve dedicated his life to ridding the world of those most pernicious of beasts, the water-borne reptiles.

“He loved to kill things,” said one colleague. “Crocodiles, alligators, snakes, turtles. He was making the world a better place.”

Ironically, his life story became the loose inspiration for the classic Hollywood film Crocodile Dundee.

“How Could This Have Happened?”

Not since the mysterious death of Dale Earnhardt has the world been as baffled by the demise of a pseudo-celebrity.

“Nobody saw this coming,” said a longtime friend and fellow New Zealander. “We all thought it would be cancer.”

Cancer indeed.


Steve Irwin’s long quest to rid the world of crocodiles and alligators came to a tragic end today, media outlets report. Steve was 59. He will be missed by some.


Tallulah said...

The world will miss this colorful & courageous Aussie--as Hemingway said, one of the last of the Brilliant Caucasian Killers.

Anonymous said...

#3 died from natural causes

badmammajamma said...

Crocodiles, huge featherless flightless cousins of the pterodactyl, have three sets of tear ducts in each eye, as well as lachrymal glands that secrete a proteinaceous fluid, a combo that allows for copious weeping. Possessing an extra node on their reptilian brain makes crocs more “emotional” than most modern dinosaurs, and during key moments of her monthly hormonal cycle, the female croc is thought to weep while devouring her prey. Although modern herpetologists believe that crocs are capable of remorse, misogynistic ideas persist, and the term “crocodile tears” still refers to the false or insincere weeping of a premenstrual crocodile of the “weaker sex,” even though both male and female crocodiles weep while reducing their flailing live victims to hamburger, even though female crocodiles are actually twenty percent stronger than males. Steve Irwin, a male herpo-feminist ahead of his time, was fighting to dispel gender stereotypes about lizards and snakes. His death has been a blow to the feminist community.

Jon Black and Britt Bergman said...

Dear tallulah,

Thanks for your comment! I must point out, though, that Hemingway hailed from Spain, not Australia. Thanks again for your comment!

Jon Black and Britt Bergman said...

Dear anonymous,

Thanks for your comment! It must be said, however, that there is nothing "natural" in being killed by a Force of Nature. Keep fightin' the good fight--Steve would have wanted it. Thanks again for your comment!

Jon Black and Britt Bergman said...

Dear badmammajamma,

Thanks for your comment! Science has often postulated concerning the fates of baby crocodiles flushed into the sewers of major metropolitan areas. Perhaps this is why the aquatic reptile weeps; then again, perhaps we'll never know...

Thanks again for your comment!

Anonymous said...

You guys are an absolute disgrace to the legacy of Steve Irwin. You must lead very very sad lives to have to sit here and make an absolute mockery of an australian icon. what he did for the australian wildlife was unbelievable. i just hope that bindi terri and bob can keep all his good work going...... if slandering a hero was a capital crime and earned the death penalty i would walk you to the hanging dock myself..... no doubt followed in support by millions and millions of other people.

rot in hell you no hoping scumbags

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Anonymous said...

if theres one thing steve irwin thougt us its not to go swiming with sting rays

Anonymous said...

The writer of has written a superior article. I got your point and there is nothing to argue about. It is like the following universal truth that you can not disagree with: Most people are happy in life because they know that they are going to die some day. I will be back.