Scientific Diet Comparison Guide

In today's modern world, knowing what to eat and what is inedible is pretty darn complicated. Pink slime? Iceberg lettuce? Girl Scout Cookies? All three blended up in a smoothie? Now more than ever we need someone to tell us what to eat and what to feel bad about when we eat it instead of what we are supposed to eat. Fortunately, our Comparative Nutrition team here at Very Little Known Facts has done the research and crunched the numbers for you to compare today's hottest diet fads.

Atkins Diet
Also known as:

• Carnivore Diet
• Coronary Diet
• T. Rex Diet

Predicated on the belief that people can get so sick of meat that they stop eating entirely, the Atkins diet chemically tricks your body into thinking that you are about to die and therefore you have no need for storing fat.

BREAKFAST: Eat meat and nothing else.
LUNCH: Eat more meat and nothing else.
DINNER: Have breakfast for dinner! (In the sense that you are eating meat and nothing else. No pancakes.)
ADVANTAGES: Bacon.
DISADVANTAGES: Eating a hamburger without a bun is silly looking. Eating a hot dog without a bun is lewd.
HOW IT WORKS: This diet doesn't work.


Caveman Diet
Also known as:

• Paleolithic Diet
• T. Rex Diet
• Intelligent Design Diet

Everyone knows that our caveman ancestors were fit, healthy, and lived for hundreds of years. (It's in the Bible!) This diet attempts to replicate the "natural" foods that mankind evolved over millennia to eat--or, if you don't believe in evolution, the foods that mankind was cursed to consume due to the wrath of a vengeful deity that wanted to keep all the Twinkies and pizza for himself.

BREAKFAST: Eat grubs, bugs, other things you find on the ground.
LUNCH: Eat wild berries and fruit you gather along with fish you catch using your bare hands. Failing that, more grubs and bugs.
DINNER: A feast of venison marinated in honey and coconut water then stuffed with herbs, wild mushrooms, truffles, feral garlic, and free-range mastodon blubber. If you are unable to hunt and kill your own venison and/or mastodons using large rocks and pointy sticks, then more grubs for you.
ADVANTAGES: Five-second rule is moot.
DISADVANTAGES: Life becomes nasty, brutish, and short.
HOW IT WORKS: This diet doesn't work.


Sugarbusters Diet
Also known as:

• Ghostbusters Diet
• Adbusters Diet
• Buster Browns Diet

For centuries mankind avoided all food containing sugar until the powerful Candy Barons of the 19th century bribed their way into powerful positions at the top of the Illuminati Food Pyramid. Now we are all junkies waiting for our Sugar Daddies to bring us the next fructose high.

BREAKFAST: Eat whole grain toast and fruit OH WAIT FRUIT HAS SUGAR DO NOT EAT THAT.
LUNCH: Eat whole grain toast with lean meat and some low-fat chips HOLD ON POTATOES HAVE STARCH WHICH IS KINDA LIKE SUGAR NONE OF THAT FOR YOU.
DINNER: A balanced meal healthy stuff like white rice or whole grain organic corn on the cob, beets, some pasta maybe EXCEPT NONE OF THAT MISTER IT'S MORE WHOLE GRAIN TOAST FOR YOU.
ADVANTAGES: Only one serving--no seconds on the whole grain toast.
DISADVANTAGES: Life not worth living.
HOW IT WORKS: This diet doesn't work.


Feeding Tube Diet
Also known as:

• Bridezilla Diet
• Terry Schiavo Diet

When your impending nuptials call for surgical intervention.

BREAKFAST: You are fed through a tube going through your nose and down your throat.
LUNCH: You are fed through a tube going through your nose and down your throat.
DINNER: You are fed through a tube going through your nose and down your throat.
ADVANTAGES: If your fiancee still wants to marry you when you have a tube going through your nose and down your throat, it must be love.
DISADVANTAGES: You are fed through a tube going through your nose and down your throat.
HOW IT WORKS: Please don't do this. Seriously.


VLKF Diet
We here at VLKF are proud to introduce our own fad diet based on cutting-edge biochemical nutritional research!

BREAKFAST: Eat less and exercise more.
LUNCH: Eat less and exercise more.
DINNER: Eat less and exercise more.
ADVANTAGES: That great feeling you get from self-control. Natural high from physical activity.
DISADVANTAGES: Eating less. Exercising.
HOW IT WORKS: We have tried it ourselves, and we can say from experience that this diet doesn't work.

2011: The Year We'd Rather Forget in Review

JANUARY: Ongoing protests bring down the authoritarian president of Tunisia; Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak offers to step in and rule Tunisia as interim despot. Presaging a rough year to come, Apple CEO and co-founder Steve Jobs takes a leave of absence from being the last, best hope for economic recovery in America.

FEBRUARY: Hosni Mubarak resigns; Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin offers to step in as interim Egyptian despot and institute draconian measures intended to punish his enemies. Sarah Palin announces that she is definitely considering whether or not to announce plans for convening a press conference regarding the likelihood of her forming an exploratory committee to raise funds for possible future plans in regards to her theoretical candidacy. Fox News viewers voice their fear and distrust of the Arab Spring movement because it has the word "Arab" in it.

MARCH: In a very precedented move, warplanes from the U.S. and allied countries impose a no-fly zone over an Arab country. An earthquake and tsunami cause massive devastation in Japan along with explosions and core meltdowns at the Fukushima nuclear power plant. Elsewhere, petroleum industry executives close the conference room door and draw the shades before quietly popping the corks on their champagne bottles.

APRIL: The entire world is glued to their screens watching the British Royal Wedding of Prince William to his mother Princess Diana. Intense negotiations between rival factions of millionaires manage to prevent a government shutdown. In other news, intense negotiations between rival factions of millionaires fail to yield a new NFL contract. Presidential candidate Michelle Bachman denies homosexuality rumors regarding her husband, teletubby Tinky Winky.

MAY: Closing a sad chapter in American history and finally silencing a vocal proponent of intolerance and hate, commandos storm a hidden compound and kill Glenn Beck. After learning of the scandal in which a member of the Kennedy clan is actually the victim, stunned and dismayed Californians begin the search for another bodybuilder-actor-politician to provide them moral leadership. At the start of his corruption trial, Former Illinois governor Rod "Blogger" Blagojevich points out that he deserves some credit for not knocking up the maid.

JUNE: Mitt Romney officially announces his candidacy for president, revealing that his election strategy is to let all 37 other candidates spout bat-dung-crazy nonsense until Republican voters realize they have no choice but to grudingly support him. After losing the NBA finals to the Dallas Mavericks, Lebron James packs his belongings in a small suitcase and takes a Greyhound back to Cleveland where, after a tense moment, the city hugs him and promises to let him sleep on the couch "until he gets back on his feet."

JULY: Many Conservatives express dismay as New York state legalizes gay marriage, pointing out that this blow to family values could doom the impending marriage of Kim Kardashian to that guy she got engaged to as a subplot on her reality TV show. New regulations from the National Weather Service go into effect that force all forecasters, reporters, pundits, and man-on-the-street interviewees to compare any current weather conditions to Global Warming as soon as a microphone appears in front of their face. The grand jury investigating former senator John Edwards finds octomom Casey Anthony not guilty of murdering Amy Winehouse. Televised Republican presidential debates initially get excellent ratings until viewers realize that they aren't watching The Walking Dead.

AUGUST: Admitting that budget negotiations have reached a complete impasse, Congress votes to pick twelve members, six from each party, to continue refusing to compromise in a smaller room. This so-called "Supercommittee" has been given power to waste exponentially more time than ordinary committees. Despite this last-minute compromise, Bank of America forecloses on the White House, prompting President Obama to go on television reading a very cogent and even-tempered speech on the issue. The British public is shocked, absolutely shocked, to learn that Rupert Murdoch is not an icon of moral rectitude.

SEPTEMBER: A round of spontaneous applause breaks out at the Joint Chiefs of Staff meeting following the news that Libyan rebels have seized Gaddafi's headquarters in Tripoli. This is followed by an awkward silence and much nervous paper-shuffling when President Obama asks if anyone thinks it is a good idea to enforce a no-fly zone over Syria. Facebook declares bankruptcy after being replaced by Google +. Texas Governor Rick Perry becomes the GOP frontrunner after announcing his three-part plan to fix America: lower taxes and imprison all immigrants. Intense negotiations between rival factions of millionaires break down, leading to an NBA strike. Lebron James considers applying for unemployment benefits.

OCTOBER: President Obama commends the Congressional debt "Supercommittee" on finally reaching a unanimous decision on one issue: their utter and complete failure. In a desperate move, the European Union sells the country of Greece to corporate raider Carl Icahn for $86,000; Icahn announces plans to break Greece up into several city-states to sell separately. Media outlets go into panic mode after failing to sum up the complex socio-economic and political motivations of the Occupy Wall Street protesters into a 5-second sound bite. Rival factions of millionaires join together to remind "the 99%" that they should support lower taxes on the wealthy because "one day you'll win the lottery and be rich too."

NOVEMBER: Herman Cain loses his near-guaranteed shot at the Republican nomination after claiming that groping every female job applicant at Godfather's Pizza was simply company policy of "checking out their qualifications." As a result, staunch family man Newt Gingrich surges ahead in the polls. The nation is shocked, just shocked, just absolutely shocked to learn that some people think winning college football games is more important than protecting children from child molesters.

DECEMBER: After realizing that previous frontrunner Newt Gingrich is actually that same Newt Gingrich from like the 90's, increasingly desperate Republicans, looking for anyone who isn't Mitt Romney, pointedly ignore the politely raised hand of John Huntsman and flock to Ron Paul in a bid for cross-over appeal between secessionist Libertarians and hardcore stoners. Christopher Hitchens is welcomed at the Pearly Gates of Valhalla by the Lord Ganesh who tells him, "You were way off, man." The last American troops withdraw from Iraq, finally bringing peace to the Middle East and fulfilling Obama's pledge to end America's wars.* And after the death of Dear Leader Kim Jung Il, Dick Cheney offers to step in as interim comically evil tyrant for the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.


*Not counting the War in Afghanistan, the War on Terrorism, the continuation of the Cold War along the DMZ between North and South Korea since the Korean War never officially ended, the War on Drugs, and the War on Christmas.

The Triumphant Return of Actual Facts

After a short vacation, Very Little Known Facts is back--this time with even less known facts than ever!

• THE ETERNAL CYCLE OF LIFE: The last letter of the Japanese alphabet is also the first letter.

• If you invested $1000 in stock in the newly formed Apple Computers company in 1974, that investment would be worth over $1500 today.
  

• IT TAKES ALL KINDS: It is considered rude to drive on the right side of the road in England.

• People who were born in the last three months of the year are twice as likely to find out that they were separated at birth.

• CLICK THEM CLICKERS: Castanets, now a staple of exotic Spanish flamengo dancing, were originally intended as a dog training tool.

• Some have said that the Statue of Liberty in New Jersey harbor is the largest representation of the human form except for the Great Wall of China.

• THINK OF THE CHILDREN: Some so-called "progressive" families practice the so-called "free-range kids" style of parenting which demonizes any punishment for misbehaving kids, encourages children to read banned books, and allows kids to run free with no parental supervision after the age of 4. If that still sounds like a good idea to you, perhaps you would like to hear the name of the most famous free-range kid who is now all grown up? Well, that kid was named JOHN F. HINCKLEY JR.

• Michelle Bachman's husband was once engaged to the lead singer of Bachman Turner Overdrive.

• HE LIKES IT! HE LIKES IT! Famed stand-up comedian and director Bobcat Goldthwait got his start playing the reluctant Mikey in the famed Life Cereal commercials from the Seventies.

Happy 4th Birthday VLKF!

People say May is the cruelest month, but we here at VLKF think it is the coolest month. We just turned four years old! Here is the freshest retrospective on VLKF available on the open market.

2006

A Brief History Of Ping Pong

A Fascinating Subject

How many millions of people in this world would list ping pong as their favorite sport? Due to the current state of affairs in many parts of the globe, there is no way to know for certain, but you can be sure that it would be many, many millions indeed! Americans often relegate the sport of ping pong to the category of "past time," but in reality ping pong has much more to offer. A few hours of research at your local library could very well lead to a lifelong interest in this fascinating subject.

The Beginning

Our story begins in the vast continent of Eurasia, in the empire of China, which was once called Indochina. Imperial courtiers of the fifteenth century Han dynasty were quite partial to a parlor game in which a small "ball" fashioned from a hen's bladder was bounced back and forth over a "net" made from a section of fishing net. In this early incarnation of the sport, players did not keep score because it was considered improper to compete against someone of different social standing. You don't want to beat the boss in Beijing!

Ping pong was actually named hundreds of years later by the world-famous Siamese twins Chang and Eng.* Due to language barriers, the name "Chang" was garbled into the word "Ping," but scholars disagree about the origin of the word "Pong." Some say it is a bastardization of the Mandarin dialect phrase Pon-gu, loosely translated as "table tennis." Say them ten times fast, and chances are you will discover that even the words "ping pong" sound Chinese!

Read More...

2007

Horses: Man's Best Friend or Man's Best Fuel?

Recently our friends over at the Submarine World Network (long-time devotees of VLKF) have posted a Very Little Known thread in their forums. The original fact at issue: The word "horsepower" originally referred to the amount of energy released by burning the carcass of one dead horse, the primary source of fuel for early American steamboats.

And here was the post from Submarine enthusiast Donmac: I only checked out "Horsepower" as I know the above is wrong. So I must assume that since the above highlighted words in quote are false, so then the whole article (posting) may not be true...."Horsepower is defined as work done over time. The exact definition of one horsepower is 33,000 lb.ft./minute. Put another way, if you were to lift 33,000 pounds one foot over a period of one minute, you would have been working at the rate of one horsepower. In this case, you'd have expended one horsepower-minute of energy."

Of course, we here at Very Little Known Facts always encourage our readers to verify everything for themselves, since we are inevitably vindicated. In this case, it is obvious that no human being could possibly lift 33,000 pounds one foot over a period of one minute (or even an hour!) because this is why steamboats were invented in the first place.

Read More...

2008

Superfan!

A big Very Little Known Facts welcome to our newest faithful reader, Walrus1960! Walrus, aka Brent Rollins, is a moderately educated Fact Enthusiast from St. Louis, Missouri—big props to the Granite State! Brent spends a lot of time on our site because "education is precious." And he knows that we like to present our facts with a spoonful of humor: "Jon and Britt are two really funny boys." Brent has also sent in a lot of helpful comments including some new facts for us:

• A human cannot swallow his own foot if it is still attached to his body.
• Dying from natural causes is not a tragedy.
• Stephen Seagal’s father was a math teacher from Michigan.
• Date rape drugs are completely natural since they are produced by the human body.

Read More...

2009

Turkey Time, Gobble Gobble!

Some helpful holiday hints from your friends at Very Little Known Facts.

What Kind of Turkey Should I Buy?

The best turkey is one that is still alive. This allows you to name your turkey and get to know it before butchering, beheading, and preparing the corpse for consumption.

The next best option, but just as good, is buying a fresh turkey from a supermarket or farmer’s market or from your neighborhood turkey vendor. (Quick tip: Ask for a "turkey vulture," which is the scientific name for a wild turkey.)

Another choice is frozen turkey, which leaves something to be desired but is virtually indistinguishable from the previous two options.

NOTE: If you choose to serve a “frozen” turkey for Thanksgiving, you will need to unfreeze it prior to cooking. Do NOT attempt to cook a completely frozen turkey, as this is not recommended.

Last but certainly not least, you can choose a “turkey loaf” or “tofurkey” which is processed turkey parts mixed with filler and chicken stock then chemically recombined and mashed into a turkey-shaped form for cooking. This option is preferable if you have vegetarian or vegan guests for Thanksgiving.

Read More...

2010

A brand new post thanking all the people that found us through the following search terms:

milton berle endowment
milton berle endowed
milton berle penis
milton berle inches
milton berle's endowment
milton berle's penis
milton berle facts
milton berle autopsy
milton berles endowment
facts about milton berle
marilyn monroe milton berle penis
milton berle endow
milton berle endowment
milton berle endowment snopes
milton berle marilyn monroe
"milton berle penis"
"milton berle" endowed
"milton berle" inches
"milton berle" penis
"milton berle's penis"
how big was milton berle's penis?
milton berle endowed television
milton berle manhood
milton berle penis legend
milton berle rumors
milton berle rumours
milton berle's manhood
rumors about milton berle
"milton berle" endowment
"milton berle" penis inches
"milton berle's penis
according to autopsy records milton berle’s penis was inches long
do photos of milton berle penis exist ?
facts milton berle
how big was milton berle penis
how big was milton berle's penis
how big was milton berles penis
how did milton berle influence american history
how many inches was milton berle's penis
interesting facts about milton berle
little known fact about milton berle
little known facts about milton berle
marilyn monroe and milton berle
marilyn monroe milton berle
milton berle
milton berle & endowment
milton berle + notorious rumors
milton berle and endowment
milton berle and male endowment
milton berle and marilyn
milton berle big
milton berle big penis
milton berle brothers penises
milton berle catch phrases
milton berle celebrity penis
milton berle discourage
milton berle elephant
milton berle endowment photo
milton berle endowment pic
milton berle endowment pictures
milton berle endowment rumor start
milton berle endowment
milton berle false rumor penis
milton berle fred buttons
milton berle generous endowment
milton berle little known facts
milton berle making fun of snoop dogg
milton berle massive penis
milton berle penis autopsy
milton berle penis inches
milton berle strange facts
milton berle transvestite
milton berle vital statistics
milton berle zsa zsa gabor's cat
milton berle's "endowment"
milton berle's autopsy
milton berle's big endowment
milton berle's cock
milton berle's cock
milton berle's favorite seat
milton berle's genital endowment
milton berle's infamous endowment
milton berle's patents
milton berle's phsical endowments
milton berle's workout wiki
milton berle's' endowment
milton berle endowment
milton berle-kareem abdul jabbar
milton berle: endowment
penis "milton berle"
related:wwwhollywoodusacouk/hillsideobituaries/miltonberlehtm milton berle genitals
rumours milton berle
unknown facts about milton berle
women and milton berle penis
autopsy records milton berle’s penis was inches long
kareem abdul jabbar and milton berle true or not
milton berle blogurl:http://verylittleknownfactsblogspotcom/
milton berle endowment

Prank You Very Much

Just in time for April Fool's, here are a few classic and a few brand new pranks to play on your friends and loved ones. No particular reason.

• Replace someone’s favorite cereal with the generic version. Maybe they won’t even notice! Maybe they will even like it better! You can decide later if you want to tell them or keep it a secret to avoid repercussions.

• Add food coloring to someone’s food. They might not eat food if they notice that the food is an unexpected color.

• Here's a hilarious prank: Glue the salt and pepper to the table top. Ask someone to pass you the salt. What are they going to do when they can’t pick the salt up?

• Mow your neighbor’s lawn in the middle of the night. Nobody expects to have their lawn mowed at night. Prank city!

• Take a picture of your face. Print it. Now you can make a scary mask of you! Note: Do this in the kitchen for a “food-themed” prank.

• Call a local pizzeria – Ask if they have a disc-o-dough to go! This will throw everyone for a loop. BONUS PRANK: Place a “real” order for a pizza during the call. Now you’ve got dinner covered as well!

• Offer your beloved dog a meaty bone! When he comes to “collect” - Trip him! This falls into the category of animal or pet pranks.
  

• Buy some layered cookie bars. Open them up, hollow them out, and fill them with mayonnaise and grass! Serve immediately! (Editors note: some grass is edible.)

• CLASSIC PRANK: Peel off all the Campbell’s soup can labels and replace them with Andy Warhol’s painted labels. Be sure to match up the label with the soup can; otherwise you may have difficulty properly identifying the type of soup in the can.

• Call a friend up on the telephone and always say the opposite of what they say. If they say “hello” you say “goodbye!” If they say “Why are you doing this?” you say “Why aren’t YOU doing this?” They will become frustrated and probably hang up.

Pro Tip: Everyone loves a funny prank, but be sure to get permission from your “victim” before tricking them. Otherwise you might cause offense. Be sure to select pranks that do not cause any harm or damage to the environment. Never perform a prank that could racially offend someone or cause excessive confusion. Always jump in and announce your prank as soon as it is discovered—that way everyone can enjoy the joke, and no one feels like a “victim.”

Unforgettable Images of the Decade

Very Little Known Facts proudly presents a look back at the most dramatic, most incredible, most unforgettable images of the previous decade. Unfortunately, due to budget constraints, we could only afford to use images in the public domain as well as music in the public domain.

Enjoy!

2009: A Look Back at the Year in Review

JANUARY: Barack “Hussein in the Membrane” Obama is sworn in as the forty-fourth president of the United States. However, due to a misspeaking of the oath of office by Chief Justice John Roberts and some confusion regarding a birth certificate, George W. Bush technically remains president for an extra hour and a half, during which time he issues blanket pardons for Dick Cheney, Colonel Oliver North, Richard Nixon, and Dr. Richard Kimball as played by Harrison Ford in the movie The Fugitive. During his inauguration speech Obama pledges to fix the economy, provide universal health care, balance the budget, achieve world peace and racial harmony, and reach across the aisle to work with Republicans. In a tragic twist, no Republicans actually hear this extended olive branch because Fox News was re-running an episode of Fox and Friends during the inauguration. Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich puts Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat up for auction on ebay with buyer’s protection and free shipping.

FEBRUARY: Congress passes an economic stimulus package using some of the extra money the federal government has lying around. Record sales of ammunition are reported on rumors that President Obama has been sneaking into people’s homes at night to steal their guns. John McCain holds a press conference blaming the youth of America for his election loss. “I would have gotten away with the Presidency, too,” he says, “If it wasn't for those meddling kids.” Courageous voters in California solve the state’s budget crisis by banning gay marriage.

MARCH: Fugitive financier Bernie Madoff is arrested by federal agents when he emerges from hiding to apply for a government bailout. He cashes his $65 million executive bonus check from a prison yacht in the Caribbean. Democrats in Congress promise a vigorous debate on healthcare including many town hall meetings where the public can participate in the process. Republicans giggle and whisper amongst themselves at this but, when asked what is so funny, they just smile and say, “Oh, nothing.” Reeling from the economic collapse, the nation finds solace in the heart-warming relationship of famed Octomom Kate Gosselin and her doting husband Jon.

APRIL: Liberals applaud Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor as “the most politically correct choice imaginable” while Conservatives fume at the absurdity that a Latina woman could ever be wiser than a white male. South Carolina governor and white male Marc Sanford immediately sets off on an international fact-finding trip to investigate Latina women. Susan Boyle turns the media world upside down with the flabbergasting revelation that singing talent is not exclusive to nubile, spandex-wearing twenty-two-year-olds. After Navy Seals shoot three Somali pirates to rescue the captain of the Maersk Alabama; the Recording Industry Association of American asks the Navy to deploy the snipers against anyone downloading pirated movies from the internet.

MAY: House Speaker Nancy Pelosi hurts the feelings of the Central Intelligence Agency by having the nerve to suggest that the CIA would actually lie. Colleges and universities cancel their graduation ceremonies as almost all seniors skip their final exams—5% of them citing swine flu fears and 95% deliberating failing as a desperate ploy to stay in school and avoid the worst job market since the great depression. Vice President Joe Biden urges all Americans to panic; Washington D.C. legalizes gay marriage.

JUNE: States begin setting up Death Panels in a pre-emptive, cost-cutting move to eliminate the sick, elderly, unborn, and anyone exercising their second amendment rights. The first victims: Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and pitchman Billy Mays. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a religious conservative exploiting the xenophobic nationalism of his rural followers, is declared the winner of Iran’s contested presidential election by an unelected body of officials; pundits chalk up another victory for Karl Rove. Marc Sanford admits tearily that he has been Hiking the Appalachian Trail with another woman. His wife announces that she has no plans to Hike the Appalachian Trail with Sanford at any point in the future again, ever.

JULY: Sarah Palin resigns as Governor of Alaska to spend more quality time with her family by loading them on a bus for her book tour. Conservatives blast former President Bill Clinton for securing the release of two journalists imprisoned by North Korea and demand that he produce his birth certificate before being allowed back in the country. The Death Panel body count continues to mount including Walter Cronkite, retired quarterback Steve McNair, and concept artist Christo. Glenn Beck’s head explodes on live television.

AUGUST: Afghanistan’s President Hamid Karzai dismisses reports of election fraud saying that his 110% share of the vote constitutes a clear mandate from the people. Former president Clinton googles “Hiking the Appalachian Trail Lady Gaga Megan Fox” but quickly switches to a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet when Hillary enters his office. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is caught attempting to burn down the entire state of California to collect the insurance money. “It’s the only option left,” he claims. After 60 Minutes produces a piece investigating Death Panels, producer Don Hewitt is found with a poison dart in his jugular. Later that same week Senator Ted Kennedy dies in what some refer to as a “gangland-style revenge killing.”

SEPTEMBER: President Obama appeals to Congress to pass comprehensive healthcare reform, urges America’s children to stay in school, and pushes for Chicago’s 2016 Olympics bid. Expressing their outrage at these socialist policies, millions of conservatives cancel their health insurance, pull their children out of school, and move to Rio de Janeiro. Ken Burns’ documentary The National Parks achieves the highest ratings ever for PBS with the “Appalachian Trail” episode featuring David Letterman, Jon Gosselin, basketball coach Rick Pitino, Senator John Ensign, and Miss California Carrie Prejean. Sarah Palin shocks the world by announcing that she is resigning her judgeship on American Idol to spend more quality time with her family. Death Panels claim Patrick Swayze and William Safire.

OCTOBER: In an effort at compromise, the Senate proposes a healthcare bill that only includes “a strongly worded suggestion” that insurance companies “should probably not cancel the policies of orphaned children with cancer.” Rush Limbaugh decries this unwarranted government intrusion into the private sector. After minimal news coverage of its latest withdrawal from multi-party disarmament talks, North Korea breathlessly announces that fearless leader Kim Jong Il is trapped in a runaway weather balloon. Photographer Irving Penn and commentator Lou Dobbs fall victim to Death Panels. Jack Kevorkian is named Secretary of Health and Human Services.

NOVEMBER: The House of Representatives passes a sweeping overhaul of the American healthcare system. Horrified, the Senate approves a resolution condemning this as an act of aggression. Mayor Michael Bloomberg wins re-election by writing a personal check to each New York City voter for $180. Sarah Palin resigns as honorary treasurer of the Wasilla Jaycees. The Department of the Interior awards Tiger Woods a special commendation for Hiking the Appalachian Trail more than any celebrity since Magic Johnson. Death Panels reap the lives of gameshow host Ken Ober and Uga VII, bulldog mascot of the University of Georgia.

DECEMBER: During a very special episode of Holiday American Idol, the secular media declare victory in the War on Christmas. Congressional Democrats announce triumphantly that they have a new, comprehensive healthcare bill that will empower roving Death Panels to solve the problems of homelessness, unemployment, poverty, the looming insolvency of Social Security, and the continued celebrity of Sarah Palin. In a long-expected move, the bank finally forecloses on the city of Detroit. In his acceptance speech for the Nobel Peace prize, President Obama announces the immediate closure of the Guantanamo Bay detention camp, the end of the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” military policy, the revoking of the USA Patriot Act, and sweeping changes to U.S. environmental, public transit, energy, and agriculture policies to promote sustainability and fight the effects of global warming. “Sorry I didn’t get around to doing all that sooner,” he says. “I was on Facebook and I guess I lost track of time.”