Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Scientific Diet Comparison Guide

In today's modern world, knowing what to eat and what is inedible is pretty darn complicated. Pink slime? Iceberg lettuce? Girl Scout Cookies? All three blended up in a smoothie? Now more than ever we need someone to tell us what to eat and what to feel bad about when we eat it instead of what we are supposed to eat. Fortunately, our Comparative Nutrition team here at Very Little Known Facts has done the research and crunched the numbers for you to compare today's hottest diet fads.

Atkins Diet
Also known as:

  • Carnivore Diet
  • Coronary Diet
  • T. Rex Diet
Predicated on the belief that people can get so sick of meat that they stop eating entirely, the Atkins diet chemically tricks your body into thinking that you are about to die and therefore you have no need for storing fat.

BREAKFAST: Eat meat and nothing else.
LUNCH: Eat more meat and nothing else.
DINNER: Have breakfast for dinner! (In the sense that you are eating meat and nothing else. No pancakes.)
DISADVANTAGES: Eating a hamburger without a bun is silly looking. Eating a hot dog without a bun is lewd.
HOW IT WORKS: This diet doesn't work.

Caveman Diet
Also known as:

  • Paleolithic Diet
  • T. Rex Diet
  • Intelligent Design Diet
Everyone knows that our caveman ancestors were fit, healthy, and lived for hundreds of years. (It's in the Bible!) This diet attempts to replicate the "natural" foods that mankind evolved over millennia to eat--or, if you don't believe in evolution, the foods that mankind was cursed to consume due to the wrath of a vengeful deity that wanted to keep all the Twinkies and pizza for himself.

BREAKFAST: Eat grubs, bugs, other things you find on the ground.
LUNCH: Eat wild berries and fruit you gather along with fish you catch using your bare hands. Failing that, more grubs and bugs.
DINNER: A feast of venison marinated in honey and coconut water then stuffed with herbs, wild mushrooms, truffles, feral garlic, and free-range mastodon blubber. If you are unable to hunt and kill your own venison and/or mastodons using large rocks and pointy sticks, then more grubs for you.
ADVANTAGES: Five-second rule is moot.
DISADVANTAGES: Life becomes nasty, brutish, and short.
HOW IT WORKS: This diet doesn't work.

Sugarbusters Diet
Also known as:

  • Ghostbusters Diet
  • Adbusters Diet
  • Buster Browns Diet
For centuries mankind avoided all food containing sugar until the powerful Candy Barons of the 19th century bribed their way into powerful positions at the top of the Illuminati Food Pyramid. Now we are all junkies waiting for our Sugar Daddies to bring us the next fructose high.

BREAKFAST: Eat whole grain toast and fruit OH WAIT FRUIT HAS SUGAR DO NOT EAT THAT.
LUNCH: Eat whole grain toast with lean meat and some low-fat chips HOLD ON POTATOES HAVE STARCH WHICH IS KINDA LIKE SUGAR NONE OF THAT FOR YOU.
DINNER: A balanced meal healthy stuff like white rice or whole grain organic corn on the cob, beets, some pasta maybe EXCEPT NONE OF THAT MISTER IT'S MORE WHOLE GRAIN TOAST FOR YOU.
ADVANTAGES: Only one serving--no seconds on the whole grain toast.
DISADVANTAGES: Life not worth living.
HOW IT WORKS: This diet doesn't work.

Feeding Tube Diet
Also known as:

  • Bridezilla Diet
  • Terry Schiavo Diet
When your impending nuptials call for surgical intervention.

BREAKFAST: You are fed through a tube going through your nose and down your throat.
LUNCH: You are fed through a tube going through your nose and down your throat.
DINNER: You are fed through a tube going through your nose and down your throat.
ADVANTAGES: If your fiancee still wants to marry you when you have a tube going through your nose and down your throat, it must be love.
DISADVANTAGES: You are fed through a tube going through your nose and down your throat.
HOW IT WORKS: Please don't do this. Seriously.

We here at VLKF are proud to introduce our own fad diet based on cutting-edge biochemical nutritional research!

BREAKFAST: Eat less and exercise more.
LUNCH: Eat less and exercise more.
DINNER: Eat less and exercise more.
ADVANTAGES: That great feeling you get from self-control. Natural high from physical activity.
DISADVANTAGES: Eating less. Exercising.
HOW IT WORKS: We have tried it ourselves, and we can say from experience that this diet doesn't work.